Yeah, crying...

So I  just watched the Wabi-Sabi talk, and I am still crying.  I froze as she described her rape, and I was back there trying to remember - what did I see, how did I escape...my body was there, but my mind was not...then I began crying when she said she stuffed it all down, deep - no longer real - and she became aloof and distant.  That's me.  I am worth less than everybody else, but maybe if I stay quiet, you will all let me stay - not run me off into the woods to die alone..

I am flawed.  But I can't believe my perfections match my imperfections.  I don't see beauty.  I only see mistakes and problems and room for improvement.

I will probably watch her again.

I am falling in love with this dog.  There is something about knowing that she was tied and alone for three months, that she was afraid and alone and neglected, that pulls my heart.  I want her to feel safe.  I want to save her and let her know the world can be okay.  And I wonder if this lesson is for me, too.  If I convince her that there are good, safe places in the world, will I discover it too?

That you are wounded in and around the orange and red chakras makes sense.  Childhood sexual abuse must destroy the red grounding chakra, then you don't have community as promised by the orange.  You were betrayed by parents, siblings, extended family, neighbors...you were betrayed by your community - the community that has a commitment to protect children.

And breaking free - why would you want to do it alone?  You need others.  One of the strongest middle of the night messages I received is that we can't heal ourselves.  I am a healer, but I should not try to heal myself....

I am so happy that you found the next step - this healing technique that will bring you forward.  I want you to be healthy!  I want to come with you!!!

When the doll bit me, it seemed vampirish.  It hurt, but it didn't wound.  I still have no idea what happened or why.  I'm still waiting for understanding.  But, I found another gunk-covered, frozen little me.  Kind of yucky!  And thought-provoking.

Making bagels in the middle of the night...Getting tired...

I love you, thank you!

Clare