A raging battle inside

Emily is a sweet and warm name. I am glad that she is fitting herself into your life. Is there any chance that she will return to her master? I wonder what lessons she will teach you.

I have been crying off and on throughout the days since mid-last week. I also feel an uncomfortable sense of being strangled most of the time. I feel the battle that my body and mind are waging inside of me. I am nauseated most of the time. My shoulder and neck are in spasm again. A part of me is trying desperately to submerge the emotions...and yet the emotions are fighting back this time. They want to be felt and acknowledged. But, this war-zone that is my body is damned uncomfortable right now. I even started my period early which is adding to my pain.

Somehow, being able to consciously recognize that this battle is raging is making it all less confusing and chaotic. I am more aware, therefore more affected, but less confused. I am calling the Reiki healer today when I am finished with this.

I spoke in Worship yesterday. A man, whose wife has suffered brain damage spoke of his needs. Another woman spoke of the meeting supporting each other at a deeper level. And then I had the overpowering sensation that I needed to speak. I said that it is right that we support each other. But to do that we each need to say what our need is. I told them that I am the "queen of the plastic faces" and that I smile despite heartbreaking circumstances. I related my growing frustration with clerking RE last year as a symptom to a deeper issue, being disowned by most of my family because of my disclosure. I pointed out that despite my frustrations in the meeting, no one could have known the cause because I didn't ask for help. I spoke of vulnerability...being seen...and courage...telling our stories from the depths of our hearts. And then I told them about Wabi-Sabi...the balance of perfection and imperfection in the beautiful...how important that aspect of imperfection is to the whole.

It felt great...but I immediately worried that I had exposed myself too much...some courage.
After meeting I had several people thank me for the message, another woman told me how the year before she asked for prayers for a situation and no one in the meeting really spoke with her about what was going on or how they could help. She said that she stopped reaching out because no one had responded. Why do we feel that our needs are less significant than others? Perhaps this will start a conversation.

The dolls are fascinating...perhaps they are aspects of yourself that were deemed unacceptable so you neatly put them away. Were you ever a biter? My second daughter bit when she was frustrated. The dancing/playful one may be the part of you who had to sit still and be quiet so that you wouldn't wake the babies...It's just a thought.

I have to take the dogs to the vet. I will check in tomorrow.

Love and Light,
Maggie