Dancing

Hi Maggie.

Long, long day for me.  I made bread at meetinghouse for a bake sale, then stayed for a contradance.  I think I danced every dance.  The secret, possible to all of life is to be available, willing - and expectant.  Someone will dance with you!

My youngest was supposed to have the day off, but due to some over-scheduling at work, she had to go in for a few hours.  That changed my day.  Instead of spending the afternoon making bread, I had to make dough in the morning, watch the baby, then bake later than I planned.  Logically, I knew it would all work, time-wise, but emotionally, I was having a hard time with the changes.  I was getting upset because I couldn't relax and just work on my own schedule.  The the logical, calm part of me would redo the schedule, proving it was all okay.  But it was interesting observing the war within and the tension and resentment it can build.

And in the end, everything worked out okay.  And I stayed calm - I observed the drama maker self and acknowledged, then dismissed the drama.

Because I was at meetinghouse, I think I was thinking spiritually philosophical thoughts.  I had the baby, and she is attached to me.  I am her second favorite person, or maybe her favorite nonlactating person.  She was a little tense, then distraught about being some place new without her mama.  I started realizing that our first love affair is with our mom.  And if we aren't secure and loved, we spend the rest of our lives either avoiding it or seeking it.

The other track my mind wandered down as I was walking through meetinghouse with a tiny being sleeping on my shoulder was money - again.  Still trying to figure out my feelings, reactions to money.  I get upset because I am one of the people who routinely has to ask for a scholarship to go to Friends gatherings.  I just don't want to go anymore.  Someone in my meeting said they needed help in a specific way, and I was helping...then compared that to me needing help with money.  I have been trying to figure out why asking for financial help bothers me so much.  I came to a new place today, but I don't know if I will be able to express it.  I am going to try.

I was reading Howard Zinn's People's History of the United States.  He shared the history from the view point of the blacks, the Indians and the poor whites who were friendly in the beginning.  And so artificial competition had to be set up between them to make sure everyone was controllable.  The very rich stayed very rich, the others got put into tiers - very aware of who they were better than.  We use money to delineate the tiers.   The American dream is to climb higher.  Once we are a bit higher, we can choose whether or not to sprinkle a bit of money down on those who are not as favored by God.  And those of us below are supposed to be grateful to be acknowledged...but everything we do only supports the extremely wealthy.  We only see this difference between ourselves, but can't see the strings being pulled from above...Not doing a good job, here.  I'll keep trying.

I am so very exhausted.  I think I will close until tomorrow.

I love you,

Clare