Mowing

I went outside to mow the lawn.  That is a meditative chore for me.  Just walking in circles, slowing down, it helps me slow my thoughts and let things churn.

I went out and started the mower right after responding to your post about being Pop's little chickadee.  I got angry and depressed and weepy, and started into a pattern I do.  It's sort of suicidal, although I do not try to commit suicide, nor will I.  But I get overwhelmed with how hard it is to be here.  It seems like change will never happen.  I feel trapped.  Just trapped and alone and like a burden to everyone.  It's suicidal in that I don't want to do this any more.  But I don't know how to get out.

Today the voice of wisdom said I needed to treat myself like my child or like my sister.  But I can't.  I don't know how...

Somehow I got onto original sin and baptism...thinking that our original sin isn't being born or being born of sex, it's because they know they are going to rape us, make us dirty and worthless, and so they preemptively offer salvation.  Not rational, I know.  But my thoughts were racing as I walked in slow circles.

I thought of the artificial way they create caste layers.  I thought of being called Rape-bait or Jail-bait once my breasts became noticeable.  Terms like this make it a sport - deer hunting, victim hunting - it's all the same.  I thought that we, as females, we can be raped if caught.  We are the lowest.  But we are raped by young men who often are sacrificed in war.  Who's lower?  I have no idea if this is true, but I suspect the survival rate may be similar.  Need some to survive and breed new fodder for rape and war...

It all seems to be tied together.  Being used, being abused, being exploited, being poor, never ever finding a way out, never ever letting another come close.

I   felt so depressed.  I had to wonder if it comes from these lower chakras.  Not in a good place tonight.  But I know this overpowering emotion always puts me someplace new.  And so, somewhere deep inside I am grateful.  Even though the child or the victim in me just thinks it's too hard.  This is all just too hard.  I am tired..........

Love and hugs and connections...

Clare