I almost think you are learning to stay in the open. In the open is where predators can pick you off easily. But in the open is where you make loved ones feel secure, not alone. But standing alone in the open is scary as hell!! And feeling the stiffness in your knees, pelvis, hips - that might be the protection you developed showing you where it is, waiting to be acknowledged, blessed and released. It might be saying goodbye...because it's job is done.
I go through moments of awareness when I try to purge my vocabulary of all violent and war-like vocabulary. It is difficult. So much of our thoughts and words are war-like. We're always fighting something. Always...
I'm feeling alone...Tonight I stepped outside just after dark. The dogs were nervous and I wanted to check. Just behind the treeline at the back of the yard, I could hear a pack of coyotes. They were howling, and one young-sounding individual was yipping as a counter point. It was so beautiful - like being surrounded. They spoke right to my soul - they were singing to wild me, to heal me. I was so grateful. I told them, out loud, that I was grateful and they were beautiful.
It's almost - well, not that I feel alone. I have an amazing capacity to be alone. I always thought it was because there were so many of us in the houses where we grew up. It was so impossible to ever be alone, that I treasure being alone. I can always entertain myself, and I always have a long list of things I would love to do. But I can't do any of them I am always busy. Rather than being alone, what I feel, what I fear, is this unending hallway of sameness ahead of me. I feel like there is no escape. This is my life and nothing will ever change. I will never get caught up. I will never do the things I want to do. I will just struggle to catch up forever.
Writing that is making me cry yet again. I am such a whiny brat. I'm tried of myself. I need to, as someone I knew used to say: Buck up Buttercup. Get going, keep trudging.
I talked to S#3 for a little while tonight. I was planning another wine dinner for this weekend, but I can't do it. I can't get my house clean. I can't afford the extra groceries. Turned out to be a good call, since I saw our weekend forecast - another nor'easter. More snow. More cold. So it won't be a good weekend for driving. We'll try again next month, I think. Are you interested?
We talked about our weekend with you next month. I think I can make it. I'm working out details. We are both looking forward to simply being somewhere else. And we're looking forward to sister-time. I'm so glad you thought of us. Thank you...you are beautiful!
Love and hugs,
Clare
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