Inevitable

I liked your realization - you are where you belong, doing what you are supposed to do.  I have learned to relax and assume that things will turn out the way they are supposed to.  I have stopped pushing about a lot of things.  But I think perhaps I have gone a little too far into laid-back.  Sometimes I wait...one of my long-term issues.  I wait so patiently. 

I like the idea of silent witness.  It hurts to have your worst self witnessed, but to have people there, ready to accept you is heartbreakingly healing.  If someone would have mentioned that I yelled too much when my kids were young, I would have felt bad, embarrassed, maybe a little defiant, but I would have known I wasn't alone.  (There's the Oh Shit! I'm not alone, and then the Thank God, I'm not alone duality!)  Maybe I would have been a better person, a better mother. 

When you say you know how alone you are, do you mean as a family?  Or is there something deeper in you that needs some love and attention?

I will be at home with two of my kids for the day, another will be here for part of the day.  The others have to celebrate with her parents so they can be home for Christmas, and the way-out-west others will have a group of friends for the holiday.  We also have a family friend who often spends holidays with us...we'll see.  It seems like it will be quiet, but nice.  We usually spend the whole day cooking together.  I really like Thanksgiving - it is my favorite holiday.  No gifts, no decorations, no special clothes - just time together.  It truly seems like time out of time that day.  And I love the tie to the traditional harvest festivals held by all ancient agrarian societies. 

Your friend suggests you try not to maintain such control all the time.  I had another "visceral memory/feeling/comprehension".  I was an infant, and I was being picked up, but I wasn't sure what I was going to feel.  Would it be warm and soothing and comforting, or would it be...flailing...flailing arms and legs are the only way I can describe the impression my mind carries.  We try to maintain control because the flailing moments are terrifying, and the memory is inside of us.  We are not safe.  The world is not safe.

We learn experientially.  You know, because of the nuns, I could recite all of the multiplication tables without mistake by the time I was 7.  But one day, when I was about 10, I suddenly understood what multiplication was.  Just because you know the answer - Let go and let God  or Don't Worry, Be Happy - doesn't mean you even understand the question.  This is the walk through the swamp, looking for the depth, trying to find the questions.

And I have been thinking about something else you wrote:  If everyone inevitably suffers then prevention is not possible.

And in my snotty big-sister fashion, I am going to argue.  Yes, we all suffer. My beloved dog died.  Grammy died.  My son had a terrifying car accident.  Most of these things can not be prevented.  There will be natural disasters.  We all die at the end of our allotted time.  BUT the suffering that comes at the hands of abusive fathers or brothers who are sexually attacking you, making your world unsafe and black and gory and unbearable - that can be prevented.  It can be prevented.  This is not the kind of pain and stress we should be struggling to overcome.  This is where we shine the Light.  Because if we are safe, if we actually have family, then when Grammy dies, we have each other.  We bond over her loving memory and become more in our shared loss.  Shared suffering bonds us and creates family.

And:

From what I have come to understand it is not the stress that makes people ill, but the failure to respond appropriately to our body's signal. If we are frightened and have the fight or flight reaction, we burn off the stress hormones and their by products...it is when we freeze or dissociate that we experience illness from these chemicals. So how do we respond to child abuse as a society? 

This I did not know.  This I will have to think about.  Thank you for this!

Cleaning house and getting ready.  Remember, you are welcome here!

Clare