Yes!

Hi Maggie,

The music of the day is Ashokan Farewell.  It is in my mind and in my heart, and so I have been playing it, trying to get the feel inside me...I think it may be one of the most evocative violin pieces ever written.

And it kind of matches my mood.

I have been reading the Brene Brown book before bed every evening.  I am to the part where she asks,  "What if the person is doing the best they can?'

It is powerful.  I tried it on a few situations.  It melted me a bit more. Every situation seemed different after I asked the question.

I saw an article this week that talked about leaving relationships - should we do it?  The answer seemed to be - not as often as we do.  So I sort of put myself back in those days when my marriage was ending. I asked what if my ex was doing the best he could.  A sort of sweet sadness passed over me.  I have not been angry with him for many, many years...occasionally frustrated, but not angry, not hurt.  As I let those feelings wash over me, I wondered if I tried hard enough.  I sat with that for awhile.  But I remembered. I remembered not laughing for years.  Being married to an alcoholic is very hard, sad work.  I remembered telling him that things had to change if he wanted the marriage to last.  He wasn't willing to do anything.

I stayed years longer than friends expected, wanting to make sure I did everything I could to make the marriage work. In the end, I believe I did - I tried everything. It didn't work. But the sweetness was unexpected. I'm so used to feeling - not much of anything.  When I see him we are like old distant friends. When we are together, we gossip - about old friends and family, and not much more.  It is peaceful and settled.

But then...Then I tried it on me...What if I am  doing my best?  Nooooooooo!!  I'm not. Is this my inner judgmental perfectionist?  Do I have one of those?  So, what is stopping me? All the old demons - You're not good enough, why even try? Who do you think you are?  Childhood quotes - challenges lashed at me.  And the child knows...I am nothing.  I am not enough.

What if I am doing my best?...with my health, with my life, with my karmic debts?...I can't find the sweet place.  I can't find the softness, the welcome, that I felt for others when I tried their situation on through this perspective.

Maybe we're not supposed to try this on ourselves.  Maybe this is a gift we give to others. Maybe I'm twisting the idea to maintain my alone...But it is triggering something inside of me.  I am seeing myself, I am seeing my issues, my frozen parts differently.

I am getting gooier in my heart. I am changing.

Back to your question...would mandatory parental leave mean shorter leaves for women, to accommodate men who can't detach?  Maybe at first.  Maybe for some families.  But I think this attitude of - I have to earn, I am only as good as my job - that is part of the male oppression.  I think there are men out there who are dying to be a part of their family, who would love to be as important and "in" as mommy.  We need a few brave men to go first, and I think the dam will burst. Men will admit they are/they want that softness, and they will recognize they are nurturers.

I was thinking about the heirarchy of oppression.  I see the pyramid with rich white men at the pinnacle.  I think we are digging out the bottom when we  address racism, sexism, classism.  That is one approach...we undermine the base and the top collapses.  I was wondering what would happen if we released the weight of rich, white male empowerment.  What if we addressed the ways our culture destroys their humanity and allows them to ignore hungry children, and raped women, support preemptive strikes and war.  If that was lifted, would the "isms" dissolve?  Would it be a less violent change?  But if we did analyze what happened to them then get in their face with it, once again, just like in every classroom - the white boys get all the attention...

But one way or another, change is coming.  It's like a flood. You may be able to divert a little for a little while, but when the onslaught hits, we will be washed clean.  A rich, well-educated, white guy told me that!

I thought I was going to clean house and work on my book.  Instead I went to the Sciencenter with my three local grandchildren.  It is the year of saying Yes!  And so far, it has been littered with sparkling gifts!

Sending love and, of course, hugs!

Clare