Why?

Clare,
I am, hopefully, in the last day of a 3 day headache. I get these occasionally. I am skipping Meeting because it is a long day with worship and business meetings. My semester begins tomorrow and I have some final preparation to be ready for that. I hate skipping Meeting…
probably my Catholic indoctrination…
but there is that sense of community and deep peace that I miss also.
I get a lot out of attending and sinking deep.

I had one of the young men yesterday. The younger had a tough week behaviorally so he was not able to come along. We went to the movies, met my #2 daughter and had a nice time. The house was very quiet. Husband was working. Son#1 was working and son #2 was sleeping very late. I'm trying to not build exciting activities into our visits because I don't want the young men to have a false sense of what life is like at my house. The older boy commented that he just likes the freedom to hang out and move around the house freely. He commented that where he's been there have been parts of the house that they are forbidden to go into. I just asked him to be respectful of others' privacy and space.
The simple things this kid wants, makes me ashamed of all the things mine want and say they need.
I think it will give mine a different perspective of life through the young men's eyes.
Husband and I are meeting with CYS and the group home staff on Wednesday to discuss rules, regulations, expectations…we're trying to get a clear picture of what we are potentially entering into. I am excited and afraid. Part of me questions why?
Why are you putting yourself out for some kids who may or may not respond?
But then I see this young man and he is just shining from within…
despite the garbage that's been shoveled onto him he still shines.
He is tentative about getting too comfortable.
He is timid about getting too close.
But, when he talks about his brother he points out that he and I have a relationship that's almost 2 years long…trust is excruciating…for all of us.
God, this is bringing me, all of us, to the edge of vulnerability.

The movie we saw yesterday was an action film about people searching for enlightenment through extreme physical challenges. There were many "zen" messages embedded within the dialogue. The one that stuck with me was that 'you become one with the challenge, if fear gets hold of you you become its prisoner'. It was a great film to see with him and my daughter.

Something interesting on the side…yesterday I was journaling and something made me curious about when I began to journal. I have a stack of 4 journals that I've written in for years. The first day of journaling was 1/9/05…11 years prior. It was mostly biblical passages with my thoughts and interpretations…the movement away from organized catholicism to self-directed Quakerism is documented within those 4 journals. Fascinating. Maybe that's the book I should write…my journey into the unknown, wild love of the divine.

Hold us all in the Light…
Love and Light beautiful sister,
Maggie