Quiet-ish again

Hi Maggie,

How was the family gathering?  I was thinking about my feelings. Yesterday, I may have forgotten about it if you hadn't mentioned it...and if Mom hadn't called...I knew I would not be able to go, and so I just sort of erased it from my reality.

But then I read your words, and I remembered feeling dread getting ready to come down for their anniversary party - the mandatory gathering - about eight years ago. The whole day was going wrong, I got a really late start and was finally on my way with just my two youngest, and I hit two deer at once and really damaged my car.  Once the decision was made - not coming - it was like all that rigid emotion could melt. And underneath I felt sad that I wasn't coming.

We have pretend closeness now, in many cases. But we have a pretty powerful shared history. Only our sibs truly understand surviving the dysfunction we grew up in.  And maybe that is our connection.

We all had each other...could not wait to get away - but was that from Mom and Dad? or the whole family? or what?  Maybe we did not intend to abandon each other, but that was the only way out of the swamp - every man for himself...But what we never knew was that we never leave it behind. Even if we ignore it, it's like a piece of toilet paper stuck to our shoe, dragging behind us everywhere we go.

It is quiet once again. I had the youngest grandchild overnight so Mama and Daddy could go to see Star Wars.  She might have slept in except that my old-old lady dog came and rested her head on the mattress next to my face and made sounds like a dying elk.  I got up to put her out, which was a production because halfway to the door, she forgot where we were going.  So the baby woke up, and my day was started!

The dog has been "off" since Christmas Day. We had a cookie incident.  My youngest son's neighbor brought a huge plate of cookies as a gift for him and his girlfriend.  They don't want that much sugar in their house, so they brought them here to share.  The cookies weren't even touched.  And the cookies were left here.  I was wondering what to do with them, forgot to take them to middle son's Christmas gathering. Got home, and my old dog had gotten up on the table and eaten about three quarters of them. Luckily, few were chocolate.  But she has been peeing a lot ever since.  I think the sugar was too much for her old body.

So today I am going to work on my book.  I said it. I said it in public.  I am going to get it back out and start working on it regularly.

So that's the plan!!  It's a part of this year's goal, as well as - No More Sugar!!!

Looking forward to hearing how yesterday went.

Love and hugs from Clare