waiting

I saw a quote today:


You own everything that happened to you.  Tell your stories.  If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better.
                        -Anne Lamott

I was thinking about both of us, our need to help everyone, anyone - the need to put ourselves last, to see ourselves and treat ourselves as less than everyone else in the whole world.

I have read that many caregivers - teachers, nurses, moms, counselors - have this pattern.

Then I was thinking about our secrets. We don't tell them. How does it all tie together?

The only thing I can think of is that those secrets are the seed of why we know, with absolute certainty, that we deserve to be last.  Everyone else deserves before we do.

"It's all right...I can wait."

I think I will spend my whole life waiting.  I think I have waited my whole life...maybe for someone to see me, recognize me, love me.  But I won't look anyone in the heart, and I'm terrified of authentic...but I could just take care of someone...

Didn't know I was going here tonight.  But writing this made me teary. That's always a definite sign that I am hitting a true spot.

I have seen the questions a few times...What will you do with your one wild and precious life?

Wait.....

Sending love,

Clare