Venturing into Mom's family

Clare,

The Wild Woman is inside you...just waiting to be released...
much like your frozen form...waiting to be brought back to life...
keep singing to her...she will emerge, strong and wise...
because she has observed everything...her eyes are open...

Can we go into Mom's family?

Let's start with aunt S...First of all, her name means "wild", I love that...
I remember going to her house. I believe that I stayed with her twice.
We played the game of Life...it was fun to have an adult who sat and played with me and laughed.
She was beautiful...and people at the store would remark that I looked like her...
what a delight that was for me...no one ever noticed me in a positive light at home.

I was told that she married before she was 18 for the first time. She and her boyfriend pressured a priest into marrying them so they could have sex...
I believe that they kept it secret for some time, living at their respective homes.
I was told that he was physically abusive and she divorced him. I never asked for details.
She then married F...
he was the opposite of the first husband...quiet, stable, boring...
she couldn't take that...so she divorced him.
Then she married C...older than her, but enjoyed life and having fun.
I remember Mom saying that she finally found someone to make her happy.
Unfortunately too little too late...she died before she turned 40 of aggressive, metastatic breast cancer.
There was obviously something very wrong in her life...What was it?

I have read (and believe) that breast cancer sometimes is a physical manifestation of unresolved sorrow and pain. I do believe that emotional and physical trauma is translated into disease...
something turns off the protective genes...
leaving us vulnerable...
resulting in further trauma.
Much like the turning off of our protective instincts within the family of abuse resulted in trauma.

What about Mom's breast cancer?
A totally different type of tumor...so it's not genetic...but similar sorrow and pain?
Where does that leave all of us sisters?
Will we live the breast cancer nightmare or can we prevent it by relieving the sorrow?
I worry about S#3...she has alot of risk factors for that disease...time will tell.

I had a dream last night...It is a recurrent dream/nightmare that I have;
An unknown man is climbing up a ladder, outside my bedroom window...
Usually I try to scream and no sound comes out...I wake up terrified.
Last night I was able to scream...I was able to see his face...I don't know who it was...
he had a rounded face, clean shaven, full head of hair, and was smiling...he looked me right in the eye and I pushed the ladder away.

So does this mean that I am finally finding my voice?
Am I able to look terror in the eyes?
Am I able to defend myself?
Should I have asked who he was? Why he was there? Why does he terrify me in my dreams?

Thanks for walking this journey with me...without you I would be terrified and unable to scream,
Maggie