I find real challenges in what you write. I am sent back into memory, and begin to see more, recognize more. Then there's the gift of the writing process, wherein I write things I didn't know I knew or didn't know I believed. This is hard some days, but it is exciting. Thank you for doing this with me!
Your reaction to Mom's fluttering brought back a conversation I had with my ex. It was after I started Al Anon. I was trying to discuss a problem with him. He was always outwardly calm and involved. But thinking back, as soon as a conversation made him uncomfortable, he looked for escape. And he found it in, "I am such a bad husband. I don't think I do anything right. I don't know why you put up with me." That effectively changed the conversation to me assuring him that I did love him and that I really appreciated all his efforts. It was a great technique for deflecting discomfort and retaining the familiar. Once I caught on - it took years, the next time we approached the same conversation and he began to berate himself, I calmly said, "When you're done feeling sorry for yourself, we can finish this conversation." and I walked away. He never did it again, probably because he was aware of the avoidance technique, or because he was aware I was aware. I don't think it was a purposeful deflection, but more a habit, an unconscious protection technique.
Mom does the same. When the discussion gets too intense, she retreats into being the bad one, and escapes. And garners a sort of weak forgiveness. I think that's why my letter to her after your forgiveness letter created such drama. She asked to know how we were hurt, but she really wanted forgiveness. I took her at her word, and told her how we had been hurt.
It was also during my Al Anon work that I realized I too saw Mom as good, Dad as bad. I started to analyze what had happened, and realized that deep inside I was furious with Mom. She let it happen. She let him destroy us, and didn't do anything. I also have the base belief that Mom's family was good (less damaged) and Dad's was bad (more damaged, and more likely to damage others). Am I right?
When you asked about experiences at the Gap, I don't have any awareness of who might have been present during the abuse. It chilled me to think that could have been the start. I started flipping through my memories of visitors that year. This is the advantage of moving every year. I can place the event by the setting!
I remember getting visits from B&H, once with kids, once without, both in the summer. After the without trip I went home with them as a surprise for Cousin L. I believe I was the only one who went with them. I remember Grandma and Pop were there once in late spring, because that was the Great Chicken Massacre (we should write a country-western song!). I remember Uncle G. came, because I had to tell him how to get to the hospital after S#5 was born and I took him down a one way street - going the wrong way. I know Uncle J. was there because I have photos of him in our little pool, with Mom and Dad. Not sure if he was with Uncle G., or if that was a separate trip. Mom had surgery that fall, and Grandma came for a week or two to watch us while Mom was in the hospital. I remember she was having a fit because I wouldn't wear a bra, and my breasts showed. I was 10, there was nothing there, but she was very concerned about my modesty. Says something about the family...Mom had similar concerns about girls staying covered and never showing any signs of secondary sexual characteristics. Girls were not safe in our family.
The two of us stayed with Mom's sisters that summer, since both J and S had babies - I think we were supposed to be a help, plus it was time with Grammy. Flash of memory - S. had a hard life, made poor decisions that hurt her, died young of breast cancer...she was the youngest of the first four kids. The last two were born when the oldest, T, was 10 or 11, Mom was a year younger. The other two were close in age. Why did S have such a hard time? She was very much like our S#3 - warm and loving and laughing easily - to cover pain. What happened there? I remember hearing Grammy telling her once that she had to grow up, she could not simply have things they way she wanted them. I think S was complaining about having to help take care of her third mother-in-law. And I wonder what happened in some of the marriages on that side of the family. But I know we'll never know...unless a cousin accidentally stumbles over this and recognizes the family! And spills!
(While editing this, and thinking, I got a real chill...Mom's family lived next door to B&H when Mom was high school ageish. Not sure how long, or what the age range was. Do you think that B might have molested S? Again, there is a pattern of protecting the youngest, but not the older and lost in the middle kids...This is absolute speculation. I am becoming paranoid about the whole family. Mom always said she was her Dad's favorite child. Did that protect her? I so wish we could turn on the light and see the web of abuse that connects us. But first someone has to talk! May it start here and ripple out!)
But I had another memory. Mom and Dad had few friends through the years. But there was one couple they spent time with, and who they let babysit us once or twice. I remember their names, if you would like to know. The wife, a second wife, was imprisoned for awhile for abusing a stepson. I heard the gossip and asked Mom, and she told me the boy had a bicycle accident and flew over the handlebars. Her friend did not do it. I remember them from the Gap and F-burg.
My gut feeling is that it could have been our older cousins, the twins, their brother(s) directing the abuse. They were substantially older and bigger - they are all older than me. I had the feeling that those kids approached our brothers sexually while we lived in L. I don't know why, I wasn't involved - it was all boy, and no one has told any stories to that effect. But there was too much emphasis on who has pairing up with who. But we did have overly-sexualized play in K. with those neighbors. I am not sure what is normal, but I kind of think playing doctor has a lot to do with looking, and not a lot of touching. In K. there was a lot of touching. Much of it is blank, but like you, I know the name of the game and what happened during that game. What frightens me is that during that time S#3 was in the cast for her hip displacement. Her genitals were exposed and available. Did someone hurt her then? Because I know B#1 was involved with the games with the kids in K. And we lived close to cousins that year.
I remember the accident you described. I was in the side yard, and did not see it. I heard the breaks, and I heard the screaming, "My baby!" Then I heard that Stephanie had died. I think she was 3 years old. It was a shock to understand that a child could die. I never knew you saw it. The driver of the car was another neighbor, Joanne. Maybe you didn't tell anyone because everyone knew. And besides, no one asked.
I hate the part of me that was/is so desperate to be loved, I will accept any scrap of affection or attention, and make it into enough of a quilt to be acceptable. I need to work toward compassion for that unloved child. And I definitely realize that you are in the place of wondering who/if you truly love, and I am in the more passive place of wondering if anyone can ever truly love me, which of course has to do with my own assessment of my value and my courage in allowing anyone to come near me.
Was I ever a Wild Woman. Can I become one?
No comments:
Post a Comment