I protest. We did not dispose of Tinya. I saved her from what Dad would have done. I found her a barn where she was fed regularly, where the humans knew her, knew her story, had compassion for her. For a kid, I did good. The day she tried to follow me home is one of those clear memories. I would walk two steps, and wait for her. We went a long way together. When she gave up I took her back. I knew she was safer there. I knew I could not bring her back into the house...maybe we should have hidden her, like those ducks...But it would have been in vain. When we moved, I am fairly certain we left our two tomcats there, to join the stray community.
Of course animal spirits live on, and of course they come back to us. I got a kitten in January. This is my companion cat. We waited until her name came to us, and it is Delilah. After a bit, I recognized her mannerisms, and knew she was with me years ago - named Lady Lilacs. I sleep on my side, and she sleeps on my hip, just as she always has. She is my cat, I am her human. I also have extremely close connections to certain dogs. We are companions.
One of my dogs was my husky who passed last October. He belonged to my oldest child who asked me to keep him for a little while because she could not have him in an apartment. A little while was 11 years. I always thought he was her dog, until slowly, after years, I realized he was mine. He was my protector, my companion, my playmate. He had cancer and I knew he was dying. I stopped being able to carry him up and down the stairs in the last 3 or 4 days of his life without causing pain, so I made him a nest by my desk, so I could touch him while I was working. I could usually touch him all the time anyway - he was usually by my side. The last night, when I said goodnight to him, he got out of his body and came up the stairs with me. My border collie who had passed several years earlier, also my spirit companion was also there. They both got on the bed, and laid down with me, exactly like they did when they were both in fur. It was so real and emotional and so full of love and connection. I came downstairs the next morning and my boy was still alive. I put my hand on him. I had to work, but I kept contact. After less than an hour, I felt the change in energy. He lifted his head, breathed in then out twice, and on the third breath he exhaled his spirit and was free. It was so tragically, exquisitely beautiful, and I felt so alive at that moment of transition. I felt emotions with my body and my spirit. I have seen him around the house since then, fleeting glimpses out of the corner of my eye. After his death, several friends told me he would send me a protector. I would see something of him in the new dog. Does that mean he will be back? I suspect so...
And I have had another cat four times. He is always a long-haired tuxedo cat with a quirky personality. He returns to me, because we belong to the same spirit family.
I have never had a horse. It would be interesting to feel a connection with that energy. I am glad Tinya is with you again. Next time you visit, share my love. What I thought was weird is that both times this spirit used lameness to draw your attention. What is it about lameness that he/she has to teach you. If you learn it, next time she can be whole.
I have a connection with someone who does research on PTSD. I asked her about CPTSD and she asked some questions. I gave her a brief synopsis of our story. She is going to read up, and said she can give me some of the biochemistry, but reminded me she is not a psychologist. I feel like anything I can learn is an important piece of this puzzle.
I think you may win the dream prize. Yours are always bigger and more powerful, and more symbolic. Even before I got to the end of your description, I made the Jeanne - Jahn, French pronunciation connection. Especially since I have heard you, in a fit of pique, mutter that you were moving to the South of France, more than once! And honey, you are recomposing! You are working on finding your heart. And you are reanimating to allow that to happen! This is so cool!!!!! Finding your heart, after tucking it away and protecting for so many decades will make you uneasy - at first. Then you'll be alive again, just as you were for a brief time as a child before you were knocked out of yourself and into pain.
I had one dream, years ago, that I am still trying to analyze. I have shared the symbolism with quite a few people, but no one understands. The week before I had this dream, I had met a turquoise colored parrot that was self-mutilating. It came to me, looked into my eyes and I spontaneously said, "Oh, honey, you don't have anyone to talk to." So, the dream starts with me attending an herb workshop. I am late, I can't find a parking place. I park on the grass. I go in, and find a seat next to a friend, in the second row. This friend has her knees drawn up against the seat in front of us, and is looking down. Without looking at me she says, "You are getting married again. The patterns of abuse are similar and the love lines are the same." (I repeated this line to that friend, and she said she had to have channeled that, because it was not something she would really say.) So we listen to the workshop, then during a break the teacher leaves the stage area. I am looking past the stage area, sort of backstage, and I see a huge cage. I walk toward the cage and see a huge yellow bird. As I get closer, I realize it is not a bird, but a turtle, standing on its back legs. It is a feathered turtle. I go to it, open the door and help it step down. It steps toward me, and the aforementioned parrot is suddenly between our hearts as the turtle puts his arms around me. I feel safe. I feel safe and protected and loved like I have never felt at any other time in my life.
I didn't want to wake up. When I woke up I tried so hard to go back to sleep.
The woman who channeled the line in the dream reminded me that those feelings are inside of me and I can always access them. But I can't...
I had forgotten about the dream, but I was outside early one morning and a huge turkey vulture swooped down from the sky and flew right at me. The words "Big bird...!!" in my mind brought the whole dream rushing back. Then there were a few episodes with turtles and songbirds that have kept this all alive.
Keep on dreaming...it's the way home to your heart!!
Love, C.
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