And Mom always said I was the weird one! I used to talk about reincarnation and the soul's purpose. I have always tried to find the mystical in all aspects of life. Mom said, more than once, "We just don't know were we got you." as she shook her head. But it felt loving. Dad also shook his head, but he usually wanted to know what was wrong with me. I guess I got broke somewhere along the way!
I always wore that different as a badge of honor, because I certainly knew I wasn't like anyone else in the family. Wonder if I'll get blamed for turning you...first a Quaker, now a mystic!
I'm so happy you started thinking about all this and decided to join me on the Light side!
I know we make agreements, but I also know that we have free will and we can turn our backs on our agreements. I have done so. I have allowed fear to keep me separate from the work I was supposed to do, the people I was supposed to work with. I don't think I understood how hard this was going to be. I agree with you - we made agreements before we arrived. I have a friend who says we are soul families, all working on similar issues. I was talking to her about choices one of my children was making, mentioning that I could see the same patterns I have had. My wise and wonderful friend reminded me that those of us who find each other, and work together are not only family and friends, but also soul groups, and my child is also unbraiding the same issues and pain we have seen, but from a slightly different perspective. Trust them.
So not only are you my bio sister, you are my soul sister. We are connected and we are working together. And two lights combined are much stronger than two individual lights. Our lights are made stronger by love and by our connection through all of the years of pain and garbage. Our light is made stronger by knowing. Our job is not to save our family. Our job is to go forward and light the way, inviting them all to come with us. They are all welcomed, they are all loved. But it's going to take strength and courage - who knows how much, because we haven't made it yet. We still don't know the final destination. Our job is also to recognize their truth and to understand that some of us may be a lot further along on the journey than suspected. We also would have to assimilate the new-to-us truths.
Again, we are resilient, and we are strong, but I really don't think I had any idea of how hard this would be. Humans are meant to be tribal. We are meant to be included and touched and loved from the moment we are born until the moment we die. I think of the monkey experiments - the poor tortured baby, alone with the wire "mama" dispensing food, and the cuddly inanimate "mama" to cling to. They chose the cuddly "mama" but were never psychology okay. I think of the babies who were physically cared for in orphanages who died because no one touched them. We need to be loved. We need it or we die for lack of it. We were loved but we didn't receive enough care, and so we are only half dead. Or, more correctly, I feel half dead. I don't think I understood how hard it would be to survive here. And then we were abused on top of that. Now we are supposed to dig the warrior out of the ruins and lead the way to the light. We can do it, but I am so tired, so alone, so sad. Okay - Clare is whining again. Give me a minute to compose myself!
And, honey, you are making a difference. You have made the family uncomfortable. Until the members of this family are roused from their sedated place of indifference nothing can change. I think some of us are ready to go further. B's 3 and especially 4 both seemed opened to talking, sharing. I don't want to open this forum to some and not all, mostly because I am so sensitive to being left out. Do you have any feelings about this, or do you need more time to process memories?
Opening this makes me nervous, because I am afraid of the memories about how mean I was. But this is the place where I face my inner monster and humbly ask for forgiveness. And I am grateful for your forgiveness. I am also afraid of facing all the sibling/family voices telling me I am wrong, my memories are wrong, my interpretation is wrong, I am crazy.
Suggestion - use the strongest, most provocative words in the drawing. Draw the words, use the colors the words make you feel. It will be more collage maybe, but it will represent the way you think/process and it could be fear...just an idea. Would you consider posting the finished piece here?
Tracheotomies - the late 50's! We're old! Arny medicine always seemed to be a bit delayed compared to mainstream techniques.
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