Out on a limb...

I will share a secret with you...Tinya lives on in ThunderBay.
That sounds so strange, and I 've only told one other person this...but I love a horse who is she.

ThunderBay is an elegant, tall, bay gelding. I adopted him when his owners could no longer use him for shows and jumping because he was lame in the back. I knew immediately that I had to have him. That was almost 10 years ago.
He is my favorite male on this planet...kind, gentle, unconditionally loving me.
When I am with him I feel so safe and peaceful.
A few years after I adopted him we were walking together (he can't be ridden)
and he stopped...looked me in the eyes...and I knew this was Tinya's soul...I just knew it.
I can't believe that that soul came back to me after we disposed of her, betrayed her...
twice....
my heart breaks over the thought of her wanting to return from that barn with you.

When I don't get to the barn for more than a week, he turns his back end to me and won't acknowledge me, until I have coaxed and apologized for my absence.
Then he fully embraces me again...what a kind and generous soul that is...
what a gift to me.
Last weekend I was bathing him, with a friend...we were talking about animal communicators...
We talked about having conversations with our horses...
ThunderBay looked my friend in the eye...
and she said to him,"you tell her, or do you want me to?"...
she never did say what he wanted, but I had the impression that he has much to tell me.

Fear...we do let our emotions control our actions and interactions. Part of the PTSD and CPTSD is emotional dysregulation...the inability to correctly interpret and respond to emotions.
It is the chronic fear that we live with...the hyperarousal, distrust, hypervigilance that something bad is lurking out there.
It is our siblings who laugh at inappropriate times...
it is my inability to cry even when my heart is breaking...
we are confused because we can't trust our own interpretations.
We are emotionally out of control because we never learned to correctly identify and respond to our emotions. We need to relearn the vocabulary of emotions and the internal feelings that go along with those sensations...like teaching a young child to speak...it will take time and practice. Be patient and aware of your reactions to things, try to consciously and consistently name each feeling as you experience it...
I am saying this for my benefit...I should be using first person, but it's easier to direct it away from myself.

So another series of strange dreams this week, it's been a nightly occurrence...
I have dreamt this just before I awaken in the morning, each dream a different morning...

I am in a room, with 2 chairs and a window to my right...a person, I think it's a man is sitting opposite me...we are talking about our childhood experiences. I am aware that there is something by the window.
Same scenario but this time it is obvious that there is a corpse by the window, covered in a heavy shroud...not moving...but definitely the shape and size of a corpse...the other person isn't bothered by this...doesn't even acknowledge it.
Same scenario but this time the other person seems to communicate, nonverbally, with this corpse...and it even moves under the shroud.
Same scenario but this time there is a half decomposed (bones and some flesh) hand that moves from under the shroud. It is the hand that is farther from me...not reaching towards me...just stretching and moving itself. The other person is not upset by this. I am feeling uneasy, but not terrified.
Same scenario but this time the corpse pushes off the shroud and shows it's partially decomposed body...I can't tell if it's decomposing or recomposing...does that make sense?...is it dying or coming back to life? The other person refers to it by name, John. There is something anatomically 'funky' about it's chest area...it seems to be loose, flail or not fully connected (sorry, not a very technical description). I look at all of this with unease, but not fear, maybe some confusion...shouldn't I be afraid?
Same scenario but this time I am sitting with my eyes closed for some reason and the other person says that John wants to touch me...I feel the presence around me...and then every cell in my body is electrified...it's not painful or pleasurable...it just is a surge of energy everywhere in my body...I am not afraid.
That was this morning's dream.
So is John a previous perpetrator? I am not afraid...am I confused?
Is John really Jean (French pronunciation)...the part of me that I have lost?

I truly am going out on a limb today...rather uncomfortable...
I have now disclosed that my horse is the reincarnation of my beloved cat and that I am being overtaken by a decomposing/recomposing corpse...What next??

I trust the contents with you Clare...
I know that you will help me to understand...
and that you do love me, unconditionally...as I do you.
Thank you,
Maggie