Now, see, I didn't identify it as gossip. Pretty astute! I try to stay out of gossip. I don't mind talking about other people if we are trying to understand, but I don't want to bond over criticism. I stand aside, and I am seeing the effects of the dynamic.
Coincidentally, D#1 and I had a talk about this yesterday. She has a matriarchal feeling toward all of my immediate family. She worries, but when she tries to talk to people it comes off as criticism - often because if she feels she has not been heard, she repeats herself. And so we share the feelings with others to see how they interpret it, and then everyone has the sense of being talked about behind their back, and of not doing anything right. This sounds a bit benign, which is misleading, because sometimes, especially when there is the sense of being ignored, it can get mean. On all parts. I have been trying to figure out how to address this, and we came up with the plan of sharing lots of positive things we notice about each other per single observation that might be construed as criticism. I love the synchronicity of this!
For me, the problem with both gossip and interventions, is that someone is on the outside. And most of the pain in my life comes from ostracism, perceived or real. When someone is not as good as the acceptable members of the family, they are kept on the outside and for their own good they must change. That feeling was why I never wanted to get a group together to face my ex. I really love Patch Adams. Have I said that before? I went to hear him speak once, and I have his book. He tries to make sure people never feel alone. The specific example he cited was someone who was bulemic. When they isolate themselves to throw up, a group of people join in and they all vomit together. Can you imagine the sense of belonging, of no longer feeling like a freak? My heart just opened when he said this.
I haven't thought this all through, but I know I don't want to drink with an alcoholic. Somehow we have to find out where they are alone and join them there, so the pain is lessened and the need to drink is lessened...
And Maggie, I don't think anyone in the family thinks you are crazy. They think you are dangerous - which is worse. They know we came from a dark, scary place and we had a terrifying childhood, with moments of normalcy. They cling to the moments of normal and ignore the slime. But we aren't going to get anywhere until we look down and say, "Slime!" identify it, and wash it off. You are standing there yelling, "Slime!" and everyone is putting slimy fingers in their ears and singing family songs at the top of their voices. It's a good thing we're all good singers! And I am here, agreeing with you...it sure is slime! What are we afraid of? It's the age old answer. It hurt so much to get here to this place in the swampland of the soul, how can we bear the pain of slodging back out? And then there's the part where we have to admit that we aren't the perfect all-American family. And it is uncomfortable to talk about. The words I have written here, through the months, to you, look innocent and harmless - they lose their power once uttered - but some of them seared my soul on their way out and onto this screen and before the public eye and your eye in particular. I have to stand here and say, "This is who I am. This is what happened to me."
My memory just may be my strong point. When I was in school, I never had to study very much. I could remember what the teachers said, and I can usually remember anything I have written down. If I write down directions, then lose them I can usually recall them fairly accurately. I think that was enhanced by moving every year. There were constantly changing backdrops for my childhood, which makes things stand out. I have remembered strange little things that Mom had forgotten. Mom says her brother, J, has a great memory also, and I think our B#3 had a great memory when we were kids. I don't know if that is true any more, though. Might be a family strength...
I love it. I love the mind-body-spirit connection. What hurts or heals on the spiritual level hurts or heals on the physical level. I look forward to hearing your report. As for me, my friend has sent me three papers about CPTSD, and we're planning to talk about them sometime soon.
Love and hugs and smiles and all sorts of ooey-gooey smooshies and this beautiful summer day!!
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