nigredo...rubedo...albedo

I picked up a book yesterday and opened it to a random page...
it talked about suffering...it boldly stated that suffering is a choice...
experiences happen and are inevitable, but suffering is our choice.
I sat and wondered why we don't just release the suffering if it is within our control...
the question is similar to the question, "Why didn't I stop the abuse before I was 10...or at the first attempt"?
Does suffering serve a purpose?
Does it give us identity?
Do we benefit in some way from identifying ourselves as a victim?
We dutifully kept the secret, so it wasn't about external recognition.
Does shame feed us in some perverted way or does it just paralyze our growth?
Has this suffering taught its lesson?
Are we freeing ourselves enough to leave it behind...
like skinny dipping without the shroud?

The Wolves book says that every great soul journey has 3 components...
nigredo...the black or dark dissolving stage
rubedo...the red or sacrificial stage
albedo...the white or resurgent stage
that's the transformative journey from the innocent, psychically asleep stage through initiation and into full awareness...the joining of the outer and inner worlds and wisdoms.
This pattern repeats itself, deeper and deeper with each repetition...

For me, at the present time, this describes my personal interpretation...
The darkness was the depression.
The sacrifice was my disclosure and digging through all of these memories and revelations... sacrificing the illusions of family and "normal".
The resurgence is my freeing myself of the hold these memories have on me.

I don't see this as a forgive and forget process...
it is an incredibly difficult struggle to make sense of suffering and put it into perspective with the goals of my life.
I will never forget...
but I am freeing the energy that was being consumed by keeping the secret to be used for other purposes.
That is where the good is realized.
Ultimately I would like to work to raise community awareness of child abuse...
those doors are beginning to open to me.

I don't think we will ever leave this behind...I am answering my own questions...
I believe that I will cycle through this more than once in my remaining lifetime.
I do understand the power of the secret and of shame and refuse to invest my energy there ever again. So how do we find our way through the swamp to the clear, pure spring?
Are we ready to bathe yet?

Blessings,
Maggie