Storm last night

Well, it's amazing what a difference a day can make. My daughters had a blow up last night that left me feeling challenged in the middle. I talked to both of them and then sent them to bed (yes they are adults, but sometimes they get sent to their rooms). The problem is that they left me feeling sad and inadequate as a mom. It seems that when I let down the guard, and begin to have fun someone has to pull the rug out from under me so that I end up frustrated and angry and full of self doubt.

The oldest accuses me of not being strict enough with the younger ones.
"When I was their age..." is what I am hearing from her.
Yes, I am a different parent now.
I wanted to say that I have been through alot of shit since you were 13.
I am trying to be less anally structured and appreciate the beauty and vitality of life, not always controlling it.
I am trying to trust them...to a certain extent....without being overly-permissive.
I am struggling with my own past abuse...putting that into context...realizing that my over-protectiveness with the girls was fear based thinking that someone would hurt them as I was hurt. I am trying to dig my way out of depression and CPTSD.
The hardest part is that they both know all of this. I've been open with both of them about all of this. Either they can't comprehend the amount of energy and fortitude it requires or they are refusing to acknowledge it. I can't blame them though...they have been raised to avoid issues and smile despite the pain and discomfort.

The oldest and I were talking earlier about mid-life crisis...mine is centered around healing the past wounds, making peace and living the rest of my life without that guilt. We were musing about what issues she and her siblings would be in crisis over when they hit their 40's-50's. She told me that I never allowed anything/anyone to hurt her in a serious way...

I often wonder why we bother going away on vacation. At home there is a balance, a routine. It works well. Once we travel and set up house somewhere else the power struggles begin, the routines have to be reestablished, people get frustrated. So why do we put ourselves through all of this? What is the benefit of family vacations? Most people take them...it's a cultural ritual...but why?

I was thinking about the fear of whatever was below the surface of the ocean too. It made me think of my "fear" drawing...Most of the things that I fear are those unidentified things that touch you, or grab you as they pass. I wonder if that's a universal fear or something that stems from my personal past. I will have to think about that as I float today.

There was a storm last night...lightening and rain...
the ocean is calmer this morning...
I hope that's an omen for the family's interactions today.

Maggie