I was never graceful. I was the kid hiding from the camera. I'm not much different now! It's a difficult paradox. Don't notice me, but PLEASE pay attention to me.
Honey, I knew you were going to go to med school, and going to make it through med school from the time you made the announcement when you were 7 years old. You always had the strength of will to find a way to do what you needed to do. Impressive for a middle kid, and impressive for a girl. You found ways to get voice lessons, when I gave up when Mom said no. The most ingrained message of our childhood, "We can't afford..." and I'm still believing it. There's one more message I have to purge or redefine. I passed the message on to my children. My oldest son came into my room quietly one night and apologized because he needed new shoes. His dad made enough money, but he spent on himself first - and I thought that was okay...I've always waited to be important, I guess. Once it affected kids, it stopped being okay, though.
I liked your self analysis. If I do the same, what I note is the nonconformist. I have the basic belief that if everyone is doing it, it must be wrong, therefore I will not do it. I perversely refused to follow the norms. And I am still like that, and I like it! I dressed weird because I made all of my own clothes. I took different classes than anyone else. I went out with friends once and everyone ordered a cheeseburger - except me. I remember vividly because someone asked if I always had to be different. Yes! I stopped eating meat when I was a teenager. Homebirthing, homeschooling, extended breastfeeding, living in a handbuilt cabin with no electricity for ten years. I participated in environmental activism. I will confess that part of the reason I have done it in the past was to irritate Dad, to get in his face, to bug him...to get his attention, to remind him that I am here. I think he stood for the institution to me - he was the ultimate be silent and blend, don't speak up about anything guy. Not anymore - I gave up on that, or it simply lost importance somehow along the way. Now I do it because the world is heading in the wrong direction, and I am not going willingly with the rest of the lemmings. I am willing to take responsibility for myself, and not turn myself or my children over to the institution...which is why I would never have made a good doctor. But I would have made a great midwife.
Sometimes I think of myself as the If-Only Kid. One of your friends once said I would be pretty, if only I didn't wear strange glasses and such strange clothes. My mother-in-law always said I would be pretty if only I wore make up and dressed more like my sister-in-law. Mom stated it differently. She always said I was the most unaffected person she knew.
When I graduated from high school I had no idea what I wanted to study. So I decided I wanted to take a year off before going to college. We had a family reunion that summer...all of Mom's side except Aunt T's family were there. The first two grandchildren had just graduated. Everyone asked what I was going to do. I said I wanted a year to work and to think about it. They all got in my face, especially Mom, Grammy and Uncle G. They said I was too smart to waste myself. They kept at me for the day until I agreed to go to school, as an engineering major - because that was what G taught, and there weren't enough women in the program. Some great conformist! I caved under their attention, probably dying inside for their approval. Engineering was not on my list of dreams. Ever. And so I changed my major a lot and ended up with a degree that encompassed my various majors. Around the time I finished school, I discovered a book, The Immaculate Deception, which inspired me. I knew for the first time what I wanted to be...a midwife. But instead of being one, I needed one! And I became a lactation counselor instead. I can't regret my life. There are people who are part of me that I met at school, and I would never let that go. But I do wish I would have been allowed to trust myself.
After seeing your interaction with the ocean, I am glad we are dealing with the swamp! Can you imagine an ocean of pain? Trying to find ourselves or each other in the ocean? The swamp may be stagnant, but it is fed, and it is small enough to find things in! When I am at the ocean, I always have a moment, where I gaze across the water and realize I am looking at Europe. Or Asia...depending...At the same time the world seems immense and not so big!
Treasure these moments of being held in the Light. That is where your strength will come from when sent back out into the world!
Have fun!!!!! Hugs and kisses!!!
Clare
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