I talked to S#3 last evening. She told me she had the same question about her invitation, which only included her name, so she called B#4 and he said he just put the number of people he was bringing on his response card and sent it back. So she did the same. Do we sense another family pattern? Call everyone except the person with the answers. Perhaps I am bucking tradition by being intentionally obtuse!!
I have read, many times, that if you smile, or pull your mouth into a smile position, just to flex those muscles that way releases endorphins and we begin to feel happier. I do that sometimes, and I recommend it - fake it 'til you make it! Perhaps that is what forced family fun is all about. Fake it to create memories to try to find that glimmer of connection...and (for me) to wonder if it was ever there? If so, where did it go? The problem is that we don't have follow through or follow up or continue the momentum. At least when I fake smiling, I cheer up and have a friendlier day. After a forced family performance, I retreat, run back to my cave and lick my wounds. If we want to move forward, we have to follow up. We need to reach out.
S#3 was the sibling who best illustrated the family dynamic of hide when things are tough. She taught me to worry when I don't hear from her. When she is silent, things are really going badly for her. I recognize it in myself, and I mentioned it to B#4 once who proudly owned the pattern, also. I know why I hide. I feel like the family failure. Gimme that great big L on the forehead. I feel like I don't do anything right. I can't handle anything. I don't want to be discussed with pity and with shaken heads - "Will she ever get it right?" When I am struggling, I am perfectly silent, trying to stay below the radar. In this family, though, that is easy. We hide when we are in pain, and then use No news is good news to gauge everyone else. Just slightly schizophrenic!
After B#2's suicide attempt, I had emails asking me to call if I need help, we all shared emails asking each other to call if we needed help. I don't want to call if I need help. I don't want to admit I am struggling. Besides I have solved all of my problems without family help, why start admitting my problems now. I just want connection. I want to call just because, but we don't have that habit. And everyone is so busy, I am always afraid of intruding. So many excuses...
I haven't heard from or about B#2 either, except that he will be attending the wedding. And he liked a Facebook status I wrote. Unbelievably, that is the first acknowledgment I have had from him in years. It is amazing how if you follow your intuition you will reach out at just the perfect time. That is a gift, and you honored it by calling S#3 at the right moment. She may not be keeping you in the loop right now, but just remember, if you have a computer/technical problem, she'll be there for you instantly! We may not be a functional family, but we are good at some things - like identifying who to ask about what...medical question - call Maggie. Computer issue - call S#3. I get the rare herbal question.
I wonder what would happen if we slowed down for one day and decided that every response would be the most loving, joyful response we could find in our heart. When we felt the normal resentment or exhaustion or anger or fear creeping in, we would stop it and find the golden bit, the joy therein. Maybe we should pick a day and monitor then note our thoughts. I wonder if it could be a first step in changing the pattern and becoming mindful...
Happy Anniversary. I remember your wedding. I especially remember the entrance of the bridal party - Blues Brothers style. I really appreciated the way you included so much of the family in the ceremony. It felt like I was part of the wedding, as opposed to simply being a guest. Would you really give up your family to run wild? You tamed that part of you so you could have the joys of motherhood and family life. I read an inspiring article once that said woman can have it all - but not all at once. We have to sequence our life. You are still in active mothering - which may be the most exhausting role possible for a woman. Too soon your little red-head will be off to conquer the world and you will have time to run wild. The connections to children lessen - although the passionate love is as strong as ever. Our relationships evolve and we become more equal, you have less authority. This is a good thing, and it means you were a good parent. And you gain freedom to explore this new self - the maiden crone!
Clarely yours, with love and joy!!!
Upon rereading, I encountered a new train of thought. Let's see if I can express this coherently...We are a critical family. We were criticized a lot when young. We listened to aunts and uncles and grandparents, especially paternal relatives, criticize each other. There was the sometimes spoken, but generally perceived, intention that because I share my criticism with you, you are okay...not like the others we have to shake our head and mutter about. We bond by being acceptable, and connect by mutual criticism or at least mutual recognition of the shortcomings of others. Is this echoing for you? Do you recognize this?
Think about the things our grandparents said about each other. If we offered the support of listening, of recognizing the faults of the other, we had the love of one of them. Think about the way we talked about the twins, or that whole family. Most likely, everyone else was saying the same about us...
I think this is the root of our hiding. I don't want to give you all any ammunition. And this has never struck me as a source of violence in our family - but it is. This is one of the springs that waters our dissociation.
My ex-in-laws were so blatant about this, I missed it in us...but it's here!
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