Ah parenthood. Actually, ah human relationships! All relationships function as a sine curve. They improve, they crest, we feel like we have wonderful connections, they descend and hit bottom and we despair of ever getting it right. Then the upswing starts over. Review our attitude toward the way Mom and Dad treated our youngest sibling. She was the only one who had any financial support, or rides home. We resent it, because they didn't care about us. I always thought that when I left they celebrated. The brats were finally getting out of our lives. You were just part of the annual procession of getting rid of the burdens. But that last baby...that last one is suddenly special. And our last sibling was special enough, smart enough to go to college, as opposed to me who just wasted an education, don't you know.
I get the same thing from my older kids. The youngest is coddled and babied. She doesn't have nearly as much responsibility as they did. What they don't see is that their criticism keeps her from moving forward. She is afraid to try because she knows they find fault with everything she does. But they're also correct. She got away with more because she was so young when her Dad left the family. Because the older ones were so hypercapable and willing to step in that she didn't have to, and we kind of didn't notice how good she was getting at shirking.
I think they can't comprehend what it takes to climb out of our swamp. That's why I'm here with you/for you. Swamps seem to be a bit generational. They are trying to climb out of their own swamp. Theirs was caused by your depression and unconscious reactions to what you suffered, and as I consider this, suddenly climbing out seems like a birth to me. My kids are mired in my yelling, my anger at their father, their father's total withdrawal as well as - like you - my reactions to those same things that happened in our childhood home. Mostly my kids seem to be numbing, but they are also talking about it, recognizing they are in a swamp I just hope they realize their youngest sibling is in the same swamp, splashing, trying to keep from going under, in an adjacent area, all alone.
This is the first time I considered that getting out of the swamp is like birthing. We had to have the strength to unfurl, to work with the contractions putting pressure on our whole beings - until all we knew was pressure. Then the head emerges. The compression lessens. We push and are pushed until we are sprawling in the air, blinded by the lights. I wonder how far I am in this birthing process...
Just to give you something to look forward to: my oldest once told me she hated my over-protectiveness, especially when she was a teenager. But now, as an adult, she understands and she thanked me for watching her carefully. That doesn't come for years, but it does come!
There was a performer at the Folk Fest who performed for children. At the beginning of one set, he asked, "Hey parents, who knows the difference between a vacation and a family trip? I think we get family vacations when the kids are adult. Right now, you are on a family trip. You are there to make memories with your kids. You remembered our being packed in a van, the dog pooping in the car, singing together. Bad stuff happened too, but that is lost in the fog. We do have sweet and funny memories that bind us as siblings and as a family. You are giving the same to your kids. Think about how easy it is now as compared to when they were tiny and we had to deal with diapers and refused dinners and watching toddlers to make sure they didn't kill themselves. Now you get to stay up late, go to the ocean alone, walk on the beach, read and write. Your husband gets to escape into a book...A little less family trip, but, still you are on a family trip.
And, love, if you don't feel inadequate as a mother on an almost daily basis, you aren't doing it right! The hardest part of parenting is that we must think all the time. We have to repeatedly do the most mundane, boring tasks - over and over - there is always laundry. Someone is always hungry. There are always dishes in the sink. Yet everything we do and say affects our beloved children's view of the world, of parenting, of themselves. We have to think constantly because our actions and reactions are so important. That is why parenting is so hard, unless you decide not to think about it...then you really screw 'em up!
(Actually, the hardest part about parenting is that we are doing it alone. We are supposed to have each other for support and back up. But again, our community has been destroyed, so you are working alone...)
So share something joyful with me. I love to hear about the happy moments! The difficult moments are important, but not at the expense of the joy!
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