Me, too - B#4 had a stuffed toy named Me too when he was about 3 years old...so let's do it. Let's publicly label ourselves. And wear buttons that say Me too!
I will admit, one of my first reactions was, "I don't want to hurt Mom and Dad." Isn't it wild that we protect our abusers, or at least those who allowed the abuse to happen? I had a moment of solidarity with our two youngest sisters who don't want to talk about our childhood traumas, because they had a happy childhood and they don't want our memories to ruin theirs or to upset Mom and Dad who were trying as hard as they could. There is a deep compassion in my heart - they weren't intentionally cruel and abusive - well, mostly not. It was a combination of ignorance, avoidance, repetition of learned behaviors and pain release. Did I get them all? But who cares. It still hurt and it damaged us, and we didn't deserve it. And if a lot of parents are mostly unconsciously abusive, then we need to do some consciousness awareness raising. My kids would be eligible for the group, and I would feel relieved. So my logic, or maybe the stirrings of compassion for myself say - Do it.
I took the step from I don't want to hurt Mom and Dad to I want to be a power that stops violence, very quickly.
I have been considering your words and think that the most 'normal' people I know are plastic. The most compassionate and loving, really alive people I know suffer from depression. There are times when I feel like I don;t know how to be present, or I don't know how to make someone feel like they matter. I stop and think "What would S, do?" S. is a friend who is absolutely loving, absolutely kind, absolutely present. But she has moments where I see her disappear behind her eyes for a moment. I know she is fighting to stay present. I know she has moments of depression - not just a momentary sadness, the natural response to painful circumstances or events - but the can't escape from the past depression that won't let go.
If I consider our paths, perhaps we should do this together. You understand the medical, scientific, physical, psychological effects of abuse...this is what happens to us when we are abused as children. I have been trying to understand community, gifting, attachment parenting, living a life that is not institutionalized, speaking out about injustice - although the circumstances of my life have rendered me silent in the past few years. Our world views are compatible...
I had a wise friend years ago - one of those who drifted out of my life after a few years - who averred that humans learn best by imitating, then improving on the patterns. It makes it difficult to be a warm, available, nurturing mother when it's so hard to find a role model. And it's even worse because now women go back to work six weeks postpartum and most often institutionalize their babies. So those fantastic moms have only a few exhausted hours to nurture, and moms who don't have a clear idea just do what they see portrayed in the media.
I think the same is true for romantic relationships. We have so few good role models of truly attached, egalitarian, mutually respectful couples. I mentioned only one. How can we have a good relationship when there's nothing healthy to base our behavior and reactions on? And so we rely on the media, common culture - which has a disgusting, disgusted attitude toward women.
I may have said this before, but years and years ago I was reading a book about dysfunctional families. The author said 96% of families are dysfunctional. OK, so there's the first step. Me too! I am not alone. Shame dissipates, because I am not alone. Now we need the second step - show me the functional few. I need to know what healthy looks like!
I am not alone...Me too...it reminds me of my first Al Anon meeting. I almost vomited in the hall before I walked into that room. But then I saw nice normal people, and I saw some people I was acquainted with socially, people I admired. Somehow I stopped seeing myself as the monster. Me too.
Interrupted at this point, and now, half a day later, I am back. I watched a two year old and three year old all day. I taught them to roll down a hill. I actually laid down and rolled. About the third time down, I had my arms extended above my head, and it was an out of control roll. When I stopped, it took a long time for the dizziness to stop. It took my back to my childhood when we rolled down the hill in front of our grandparents house. I know I need to play. But the out of control created something breathless in me...not sure if it was good or bad...
But I lost my train of thought from this morning. And now I am truly exhausted!
Love to you and sweet dreams!
No comments:
Post a Comment