You have offered a lot to think about. I am seeing these theories for the first time, and I wonder if I should blather about my insight since I don't have the background. But you know I will...I will talk about what I see and understand and remember.
Is our destiny based solely on our choices? Only if we believe that we made informed choices before birth about what kind of family group we'd be joining and what kind of abuse we're be experiencing. I think every family has bad patterns, and we are all damaged - a least a bit. It's part of the lessons we are here to learn, the patterns we are here to correct. But if any therapist thinks we consciously chose to be abused as infants or as very small children, I think they are wrong. And the wrongness continues, because those of us who have been damaged react rather than choose. I had a long heart-to-heart with my youngest last night who said - she reacts. She knows it is not the smartest idea, but that is what happens.
I like that you listed the positive habits first, and emphasized them. I understand that these habits create true community, true family. But I know groups - I have been part of groups - that bond because of the second group. Either set of habits becomes the defining force of the group dynamics. From the outside, when we see people bound by the bad habits, we wonder why these individuals stay, but from the inside these relationships are familiar...root word, family. I can see my family - me and my kids - in both lists, but the older I get, the more I function in the first list. Seeing the list makes it easier to define who I am...
As far as the list of needs...I don't know if I have made it past the first - survival - yet. So often, I feel like I am struggling for survival.
Have you ever seen The Jerk, with Steve Martin? There's a scene where he has lost everything but he says all he needs is one simple object. Then he sees another object and says all he needs are these two objects. That continues until he is awkward and stumbling, trying to carry the things he needs. That is the image I have of you, of us, trying to retrieve the lost pieces of self. I have all sorts of stuff hanging on me, dragging behind me. The question that just came to mind is - how do I get naked? That would be a step into vulnerability!
You wrote something that screamed MAGGIE at me. You said you were responsible for four children and a husband. Please consider that he was also responsible for you, as he continues to be. You need to allow him to take that responsibility. You need to trust him to take that responsibility. But we didn't learn to do that at our house. I am back to that image of feral children. We each took care of ourselves, because - well, who else was going to do it?
The thoughts and events and insights we have been sharing have really opened me. I am beginning to sense that I can tell what happened to someone, based on their current behavior.
I know an obsessive young man. He is very caring, very noble, but last night I realized he lives in a fantasy world much like B#1 does. He believes that he is in love with a young woman who says, "You are my friend. Only. We will never be together. Never. Do you understand me. I do not love you. I will never feel that way about you." Yet he believes he is the answer to all of her problems. He continues to follow her and to tell everyone that he is the one for her. I was watching him, and thinking about it all, when I realized he rewrites reality to fit the story he needs to survive. And even though I know few details of his family life, I know there was severe abuse. I have a feeling there was incestuous abuse happening. Otherwise he would not have escaped reality so thoroughly. And I have so much compassion. I am starting to see everyone differently, and with so much love. Thank you so much for walking with me, for leading me sometimes. Knowing you are here makes me come back every day, even when this is hard. I really love you. You are my inspiration!
Clare
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