I lied...

Yeah, I think I lied...

I am on an eating binge.  I am not hungry, but I am stuffing something down and moving into self-loathing.  My self perception is  hateful and unforgiving.  I am not sure what I am avoiding, but there's something scaring the crap out of me, and I am numbing as fast as I can.  At the same time I am lying to myself and pretending it's all okay, and that I am not losing the progress I have made.

I don't know what to do...

Your #1 Son sounds like my #2 - pleasant, easy-going, adaptable, stuck in the middle - but exceptional.  Of course they are all exceptional.  I am glad he came through his surgery and is in the process of healing.  And that he is healing you.

I agree that this year has been difficult.  But the pain has been different because I knew you were listening.  It is such a gift to be heard, to be noticed, to have someone notice something and draw it out.  I expect next year to be amazing.  I feel like I am about to explode - and not from over-eating.  I feel like I have potential welling up inside me. I just hope I find a way to trust it and let it flow through me.  I find so many ways to stop myself, to halt the movement forward.

Writing this is making my teary.  Maybe I will feel the pain I am trying to avoid.  Maybe tonight will be a cry myself to sleep night.  I always sleep deeply after a good cry.

Why am I so sad and using sugar and wheat to pretend it is not so?  I know I am tired.  I am so tired.  I don't see relief in my future, just more and more and more...and I am tired.  Is that all?  I had a blast of past issues, problems from my marriage that still affect our lives today.  And I am tired of that - tired of dealing with his left-over crap, tired of parenting alone.

I'm sorry,  Time for a retreat into tears...It will be good for my soul, and maybe I will stop stuffing myself.

I love you...and more than stamina and patience, I wish you joy and acceptance.

Clare