somebody, anybody, healthy body

Hi Maggie,

Checking in now, because I will have an overnight guest - Sleepover at Mima's!! 

I have been knitting a lot, in anticipation of Christmas.  And so I have been watching stuff.  I saw something with kids in gym class - doing squat and thrust.  Remember?  I do. I did them, begrudgingly.  But I always felt like a walrus, with my body just flopping along with me. I have also been watching Anthony Bourdain, Parts Unknown.  He said, in one episode, our bodies are like amusement parks, maybe...something to the effect that we should be using our bodies to taste everything, to try everything, to experience everything. 

That has been on my mind.

I am so separated from my body.  And when I war with depression, my body becomes deadweight.  I remember a few times when the kids were young, when it took every ounce of strength I had to get up, to stay awake, to make a few meals.  I felt like I was trapped miles behind my face.

I don't know how to be my body. 

Mom used to say I was the most unaffected person she knew.  That was her polite way of commenting on the fact that I am clueless about the way I look. Which is true...

I don't know what I look like. Mirrors always shock me.  I don't know what looks good.  I find an article of clothes that feels comfortable, feels good, and I think I look good.  Then I get a glimpse of myself and realize, I don;t look good.  I am not okay...I don't even know how to wear makeup. 

I think because I am going to be 60, I am facing mortality...I know I am way over half way through this experience.  and I am realizing that if I want to stay here, my body - my healthy body - is the only ticket.

I still wallow in depression, but less frequently and it doesn't seem to last as long any more.  So how do I use this step into something lighter to be...sounds corny...but maybe, reborn?

I feel like I am going to cry...

I must be on to something important to me right now...

Love and hugs from Clare