sisters

Hi Sister...

We blogged at the same time this morning.  As I posted mine, I saw that you had posted.  It had to have come up as I was writing.

I am glad that you had the moment of true vulnerability and love and connection with S#5.  It is part of the healing.  To be whole and hale, we have to be vulnerable and open.  It's all part of the healing, as much as removal of your breasts to expose the psychic wounds.

Maybe we should take a sisters weekend together with the 5 of us...no one left out.  Because when I was left out, I kind of didn't care - I saw you all as different, but it kind of hurt like hell, because I have spent so much of my life on the outside. I like the outside.  I like independence.  I have an amazing capacity for spending time alone...but...

And you're right. We only have superficial relationships.  But it was necessary.  Maybe we weren't consciously aware, but we knew about the abuse, we knew about the sexual predation.  We knew we had to keep a distance, we had to protect our babies.  And we did...I think we both did - we protected them from the family pedophiles.  But neither of us has been strong enough to protect them from our defensiveness and anger or from the family line of addictive behavior.

But maybe that's their job. We stopped the sexual attacks in our families.  Now our children have to face addiction and take it on.

And don't idealize S#5. She is one of us. She would not been so anxious to stop us had she not known what we were going to say. She and S#4 may not have been sexually abused, but they were part of a dysfunctionally alcoholic home.  They know.  They may not have taken as hard a hit as the older sibs, but they know.

She always has everything under control. That is a sign of being raised in alcoholic chaos.  But she married well.  She married someone stable and accommodating and mature. She has had remarkable experiences with his absences, with caring for his children - she has been able to develop real strengths.

My neighbor is checking in, so I gotta run...enjoy your lentils!

Love and hugs,

Clare