onto something

And now you're onto something else...

Hi Maggie...

I just read your observation that we may be suffering from separation anxiety, so I found an article and found some info about co-morbidity with other diagnosis of psychological distress.

I thought, logically, about Mom disappearing annually to have a baby, the first time before I was quite a year old.  And Dad disappearing for a year at a time. And moving every year.

I read about the fear of being alone, and the unusual attachment. If I had any by-the-book separation anxiety, it was from my children.

I had a flash of Mom asking me to just wait.  I was the oldest, the most psychologically developed, and so I had to wait for attention, wait until she was done taking care of the baby, then the next oldest, then the next...I feel like I am still waiting. Yeah, I'm feeling the tears.

You are onto something.

I feel like I took the separation anxiety and flipped it. I have an amazing capacity to be alone.  I have an amazing capacity to avoid crowds.

Maybe I believe it will never be my turn, and so I have given up...yeah, tears...tears and pain...

I wonder where that self, that poor little sad baby-girl is hiding inside me...

When my kids were babes, I read a lot about attachment parenting, about the ways indigenous people raised their children.  I know the culture we are in is violence based, and I just wanted something different.

My instincts were good, but I was betrayed by family patterns, and the violence-generated genetic and psychological changes.  I was so arrogant. I really thought I could do better.  But I was just as damaged as Mom and Dad.

Feeling really sad...

Are you starting with both boys?  What's the plan?

Courage, my sister!

Love and hugs from Clare