being fat

Hi Maggie,

I hope you are having a good weekend with all your men - old and young alike.

I spent some time working on my fat issues last night and had an insight...I had this image of creating a padding for myself, and wrapping it all around me...it is my armor. But for the first time, it seemed loving, like a self-love. Padding and protecting oneself is a form of taking care of one's self, or loving one's self.  Unfortunately it damages the vessel, and also, in this culture, make one unloveable. But sometimes not being loved is a lesser pain than the pain of being abused.

I saw it as love, but I saw it as twisted...a misuse of love.  Instead of reaching out, being open, making connections which is what will save the planet, we pull it up around ourselves and protect ourselves.

I was shopping with my youngest yesterday, and I passed a young woman who was very, very obese.  I felt the armor she had pulled on.  It was slowing her down, weighting her down.

It seemed like a suit of armor.  Knights put on the suit to protect them from the anticipated slings and arrows.  And the armor works well.  But if there is boiling oil, or if a knight is knocked off their horse - then the warrior becomes absolutely helpless...as vulnerable as possible.  And of course, the armor is to prevent vulnerability.

Sometimes I think we see love and relationships, whether they be familial or romantic or with friends, or even with self, as a war to be won.  Sometimes I think we see all of life as a war.

And as long as we are in this mindset, no one wins...we all suffer.  We suffer if we cut ourselves off, or we suffer because we miss those who have cut themselves off.

I know you remember my college sweetheart. We have kept in touch all these more than 40 years - some letters, then to email and social media.  Last night we Skyped for the first time.  It was so...I don't know the words to use...sweet, sentimental, cozy...to see his face as we talked. We have aged - there is no missing that. Yet I still see us as we were. That may be the gift of old, old friends.  We talked about politics and family - a lot like with my ex, two old friends gossiping...nothing hot or passionate or dramatic.  It was such a sweet, unexpected gift...

Looking forward to hearing about your weekend,

Love and hugs from Clare