naked

I know, Maggie,

Absolutely blank mind. Sitting and staring at a blank paper with nothing coming out blank mind.  I think I am tired.  I think I also have a bad case of February.  Every year, February hits me hard. I want to go outside.  It is getting lighter, it seems like spring could be near.  But outside is mucky and windy and so I go inside...and want to go outside.  Every year in February I dream of going to Hawaii or Costa Rica or somewhere that will remind me that there is sun, there is warmth on this Earth. I need a promise of spring...but instead, I muscle through.

I think I am tired.  I get up early.  Work.  My granddaughter arrives within minutes of my last session, and begins dismantling my house while I write reports.  Sometimes I don't finish reports until after she goes home.  By the time I have gotten some veggies in her, and sung some songs with her, or done tai chi with her...I am tired. And the house just succumbs to entropy...sigh.

This weekend S#3 will be here with her family.  I will try to clean up before they get here, so that the gang of kidlets can dismantle everything again.  Then, a few hours after they leave, my kids will be here for dinner.  My youngest son has a birthday this week.

I love having everyone here.  But I am going to be tired! But I will look forward to the next time many people descend upon my house.

I think that tomorrow, my little companion and I will clean together.  She loves to help.

Let's see...what am I fretting about lately? Body-shame is an ongoing issue for me, being brought to the fore by the fact that my youngest is taking me and a close friend who also watched her little one for a spa day. She is booking massages.  I have never had a massage, although I think it could be very healing for me.  I have never done it partly because that is not something in my budget, but also I have deep fear/shame issues about my body, and about being touched by someone I don't know. This is probably worse than going naked at the hot springs.  I did walk around the pools in the buff, but no one touched me.  Know what I mean?

Unfortunately, this is the year of saying Yes! Therefore I am going to bite the bullet and hope I appear normal.

I guess I'll go fret some more, then pass out and sleep.

Love and hugs from Clare