I am not sure how to communicate what I want to about suffering...
It is terrible.
It is life-altering.
If it is from an "act of nature" we don't seem to hold onto it the same way that we do when it is personal...when a person uses and abuses you for their own pain-filled, ego-driven purposes.
Unthinkable things happen, even to the most innocent of us...and suffering is a natural reaction to that. We hide ourselves out of shame because who could ever accept someone as damaged and insignificant as me? We stuff ourselves with food, drugs, alcohol, religious fervor, busy-ness just to keep our minds focused outward. But at some point we have to accept our history and let go of that suffering.
We can't heal those deep, interior wounds until we let go of the outer suffering.
We can't even access the wounds if we cling to our pain or our delusions and rewritten memories.
We need to face the reason for the suffering and shame, and speak our truth...to one person at a time. It is an excruciating process...because it takes us out of our survival mode of 'be invisible' and 'trust no one'...it makes us visible to another human being. God, I had to tell my story to my horses over and over before I found the courage to tell anyone...whatever works.
That's when we move from victim to survivor.
Then the deeper layers of the trauma are accessible. We can begin to gain insight and compassion for ourselves and our abusers. This is much like sharing the stories of our parents' childhood experiences leading to their abuse or neglecting to notice what was happening. This is the compassion that we feel for our siblings who were abused and learned to abuse those more vulnerable than them. But after working with and through the inner wounds we have to let go of that deep suffering...
that's when we acknowledge our wounds, stop letting them define who we are, and reach out to others.
We reach out to support other victims and we reach out to forgive those who hurt us so deeply. That doesn't mean that we embrace them and bring them fully back into our lives...but it means that I no longer have to direct any of my energy towards that hatred or animosity or distrust that I feel towards them. It doesn't do anything for the perpetrator, it is all about me reclaiming my energy, my focus, my integrity. That's when we move from survivor to thriver. That's when we no longer need to suffer.
I am ready to thrive. I deserve to thrive. It is my greatest challenge.
You do too.
I understand that you have different ideas about suffering...I respect and appreciate that. I just am beginning to see this as the next step in the journey. I want to walk the path, even if it does repeatedly spiral around common themes.
I hope that you got some much needed rest.
Sending you much Love and Light,
Maggie
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