Adored?

Hi Maggie,

I know that Dad won't open his eyes and see me, or any of us.  And in truth, if he did, I would wonder what was wrong with him.  I simply would not believe it.  And if that particular way opened, I would turn my back and walk away...This will remain an unmet need until the day I die.

I was just outside in this beautiful sunshine, hanging clean clothes to dry and thinking about our family.  My youngest was a bit hurt, but really more snotty and irreverent, because neither Dad nor B#1 would acknowledge her and her daughter at our gathering in July.  She knows that she was judged and found remiss.  She is not good enough to be a Delana girl, and so we will ostracize.

I remembered the judgmental words from B#1 to S#4 when she had her daughters before marrying their father.  I suddenly wondered about the family opinion of me allowing my wayward daughter to live at home, while I help her.  I wonder about family reaction to S#3 and S#4 and their ongoing daughter dramas.  I usually don't notice,  I usually don't care, but suddenly I heard judging voices in my head, mostly the voice of our oldest brother.  And then I remembered being told I was not welcome to live at home after I was 18 - Dad's voice, of course.  I was suddenly angry.

So much for enjoying the sunshine...

My children are my family and they all know there is sanctuary in my home.  They can come to me any time for the rest of my life and they will be welcome.  I offer home forever.  I am their mother.  I think the world is so much brighter when there's a safety net, even if one never plans or has to land there.  So that makes me an idiot, someone who can be used and abused in our family...because in our family all that matters is: you get out, I am not responsible for you.  I can destroy you, make your life ridiculously impossible, teach you that you are a pain in the ass, a problem, and not worth the time it takes to feed you - now get out of my sight and don't you dare expect anything from me.  A child can be homeless, but who cares - he's out, he's not our problem.

Back to this again - I guess I have been cycling back around to this anger, and feeling it more emotionally and less logically this time 'round.  Maybe that means I am accessing my heart, at least a little.

I read a piece written by a Quaker healer this morning.  I have had the privilege of meeting him a few times.  He has a truly gentle manner.




I've just been thinking about some of the people and families I've seen recently and how important it is that people are adored. When people have the experience of being adored it's the first part of gathering a sense of our own goodness. It's that regular pattern of the giving and receiving of love that being adored invites that is often our first clue about goodness. And when we go without being adored or worse, such as learning betrayal or malice, those barriers to knowing and feeling our goodness are made larger. Here lie the seeds of fear and prejudice that make for all the discontents that lead to everything from gossip to making war. The well loved child is a seed of world peace, of bright light for us all. The parts of culture that separate us and keep us from knowing we are all part of one another are the preparations for war and the perpetuations of violence and disrespect. Really and truly, it would be so much easier if everyone just got the hugs and kisses necessary to see the beauty of life, so much else could be let go.                            -John Calvi




I have never been adored.  But somehow I have created a barrier that I can love around...

From behind the psyche-lines, I send love!!

Clare