diving?

Hello Maggie,

I had a day off!!  What a treat!  And I did one of my favorite things.  I canned peaches.  I realized that I love this time of year.  I love canning and drying, I love tying and tincturing.  My kitchen is a wreck, but I am absolutely content - and exhausted.  This work makes me so happy, and so in love with autumn...

I was thinking about addictions and how you use your walk as a control.  For me, it is different.  I love to walk, I love to notice.  I went out yesterday and saw a red eft struggling through the tall grass.  The day before I found a feather - I think from a flicker's breast.  I love to be out.  And so I deny myself.  I have a list of things I must do and save the things I love to do for last - as a reward, maybe.  But I never reward myself.  Maybe that's why I love this time of year - the things I must do, I love to do!!

I love the Da Vinci list.  I don't mean to brag, but I think I have many of those traits.  But I definitely lack poise and grace.You shared a lot of wisdom in analyzing the Wadsworth quote for yourself.  I still struggle.  But your words inspired a thought.  Dad's breach broke my heart.  And I want Dad to love me.  I want him to open his eyes and say - You are amazing, I'm so sorry I never noticed.  That wasn't happening, so I married someone like him.  Still didn't happen.  So now my belief is so deep, I am so absolutely convinced that I am unlovable, that I am closed.  I am oblivious.  I refuse to see people around me who are there to love me...tears - getting close to the truth...

I am like a willful toddler saying - No, Daddy do it!  And we both know he is totally clueless.  Ain't gonna happen my way, and so I turn my back on life.  I lack faith.  I am not in my heart.  I am still stuck in the yellow chakra, in my will - it must be my way.

I had no idea this is where I would end up tonight...exhausted, but now I must think.

I love you...Hold me in the Light, please...Clare