Always

Oh Honey,

If I lived closer, I coulda, woulda offered a hug, a shoulder and a cup of chamomile tea - unless you wanted a shot of the vodka!

Sometimes losing it is a good thing.  They need to know that you do have limits and that you are passionate about them.  My oldest son had an older friend who caused chaos every time he visited - which was frequently.  When he was around, rules didn't seem to matter any more.  I would lecture calmly, explain the rules, explain why we had the rules, explain what I expected...then one day I blew.  He was afraid of me after that.  (I rarely lose my temper, but apparently when I do it is monumental!)  He did come back, but his behavior was more in line with what I expected.  They were a bit younger than your son is, so maybe it doesn't compare exactly.  But this was the kid who taught mine to smoke...not that he had to twist my son's arm, or anything.

Are things better today.? With your youngest, I do appreciate his crusading spirit.  I think he has courage we rarely see. I do hope he finds a way to choose his battles and focus.  That's part of what adolescence is all about.

Are you familiar with John McCutcheon?  He is one of my favorite musicians, and he's a Friend, too.  He wrote a song about his sons called  The Room at the Top of the Stairs.  There's a verse in the middle of the song that your day reminded me of...

There’s a room in our house at the top of the stairs
Now the door is shut tight
And the stereo blares
And you mother is worried about your young ears
No one has seen your carpet in years
And the hole in the wall that you made with your first
When the anger of aging was too much to resist
The long light of love cast its shadow in there
In that room at the top of the stair

You wondered how B#2 convinced his ex-wife to send her sons out of the home...to kick them out.  I think it was forced, and I think it is still unforgiven.  I think we have discussed Dr. Laura in the past.  I always thought she was a bully, but some of her interpretations were spot on.  She often challenged women who put men before their children.  We make stupid choices in the name of "love".  And then we regret.  We don't really know, deep inside ourselves, that it is better to be alone than to be owned, or to be with someone who causes pain.  We/I judge self on whether I am good enough to be accepted by a man, any man.  So with a schizo blend of self-loathing and pride, I have stepped out of the meat market for years and years.  Now that my kids are grown, I find I am a romance retard...I have no idea what to do!  And so I stay home and make jelly and serve on committees.  It's a life...

*I think S#5, like the rest of us sometimes, has an idealized vision of family.  B#2 once said he thought we were all very close, it's just the distance that keeps us from spending much time together.  That's his idealized vision.  But we don't even pick up the phone to check in.  I talked to him on the phone a few times years ago, and he would make me go get my bible and look up specific passages.  Yeah, not interested in that violence...so, we are pretty separated...not at all close.

Maybe we are all low-men on the totem-pole.  Maybe be jostling around in the swamp sort of together, occasionally we squeeze someone's head just a little higher than the rest!!  Then we have the perception that they are higher than we are.

Being a bitch is different that being arrogant, I think.  The arrogance I was trying to describe comes from people who really don't believe in themselves, and so behave in a high and mighty fashion, desperately trying to get someone else to believe, to validate.  To me, that is not true self-confidence.  But the author of the article I read defined that behavior as being self-confident.  He was praising the person who was able to question himself.herself, labeling that as lower self-confidence.  "Bitch" is a strong woman who doesn't care what kind of names people throw at her to make her behave like a good, quiet girl.  To me, it's different.

But my point was more that we need to see the seed of behavior and stopping making assumptions.  And we need new definitions so we see each other more clearly.  I have this feeling that everything would change if we saw other's weaknesses - Me too!

Always share your tough days.  Always.

Love,

Clare