Wanted: one compassionate listener

Clare,

I have to say that I did not feel joy yesterday...
I am in a crunch week...
last week of class with a final on Thursday...
daughter #2's play is being performed this week...
the boys have baseball everyday...
worry about S#3's family...
daughter #1 returns this weekend...
I am judging a science fair...but really want to go to a Friend's Quaker wedding instead...
I am overwhelmed this week...
but I am hopeful that next week will be a new experience...so for now I am pushing forward...
I got a call from the Obama campaign yesterday asking me to volunteer...I actually said that I am overextended and can't commit to any more at this time...life is crazy...yeah me for finally saying no.

I am consumed in the busy-ness of my life.

I sat yesterday and watched several of the Brene Brown TED talks as well...
mad at myself for wasting 40 minutes...but it was worth it.
Vulnerability is pure courage.
Think about what it takes to put your foot into a murky swamp...
think about all of the things that might be there...unknown...unseen...unwelcome touches...
but if you take the first step...and then another...soon you see that you are surrounded by a community of animals and plants...with its own beauty and rhythm.

So we are wading, sometimes treading water, sometimes almost drowning in the swampland of our souls...
but there is pure courage in this...
pure intentional energy driving this...
the rest of our family is paralyzed
and we are swimming...
even if we get cramps and scratches and bumps along the way...
we are swimming and gaining strength.

This morning I was meditating on what I have learned about trauma.
There are two things that stand out to me as vital to understanding trauma...
First, trauma is universal. If you are alive you will experience trauma.
Second is that the key to surviving, understanding and developing resilience is simply one caring, compassionate, nonjudgmental human being who says...
me too... it wasn't your fault...tell me your story, when you are ready.

The first point...trauma is universal...everyone is hurt, many times throughout their lifetime.
I thought of the Buddha, he was sheltered in his palace from all sadness, death, dying, suffering...
he had a perfect life...he was protected...
and yet he still glimpsed suffering and had to explore it...to get to know it personally.
There truly is growth through suffering if we choose to look it in the face rather than hide behind our palace gates. Experiencing the pain and suffering of the world opened him to his spirituality, allowed him to fully discover and express his Buddha nature...to become fully human and alive.
So many people run and hide from their traumas and wounds...
making it impossible to fully realize their true nature and potential.

What we are doing?
Wading through the wounds, lancing the boils, draining the purulent memories,
is allowing us to move forward, towards the realization of  ourself...
our true, whole, healthy, joyful self.
I wish I could have a weekend of tears...
I am so blocked that if I well up with tears it is amazing.
I have really cried only a handful of times in my life and each time has been incredibly cleansing for my soul.

Daughter #2 is in the show Miss Saigon right now...she plays a prostitute.
The second act of the show begins with a powerful, all male, multiple layered harmonic song about Bui Doi...the dust of life. The children of Viet Nam who were fathered by American GI's and left behind.
During the song they show pictures of these children in orphanages, left there by their mothers who would be stigmatized by having a Bui Doi child.
My heart cried for those images...
they are in their 30's now...I wonder what their lives are like now...
growing up rejected...not belonging anywhere...rarely touched...probably abused...
no better than the dust of life...did they find one compassionate person to listen to their story?
I have read about the boarding schools that Native American children were mandated to attend in the late 1800 - mid 1900s...taken away from their families by force...beaten if they spoke their native language...physically and sexually abused by their keepers...all in the hopes of wiping out the Native American culture.
There are so many examples of horrendous abuse in the name of teaching lessons and maintaining status quo.
It is heartbreaking.
What we experienced was terrible, but unfortunately we are one of many...too many.
So what do we do?
How do we break the cycle of abuse?
Can one individual do anything to make a difference in this abuse?
I hate to say this, but one individual did make a difference recently...Sandusky and all of his pedophilic crimes has brought this to the forefront of society's conscience...will attitudes change or will the disgusting images just fade away to make life once again more comfortable?

You and I are telling our story...we are each other's compassionate, listening person...
We are vulnerable to each other.
Even in this forum disclosure takes courage and is uncomfortable. We can support each other until we find the strength to be vulnerable outside of this forum. And then I hope we still support each other along the remainder of our journeys here.
I feel as if I am getting stronger and more alive everyday. It is a process, a spiraling staircase that goes deeper and deeper, but offers new perspectives...

I have a friend who was so full of life and now is drained of energy.
I saw S#3 this weekend...drained of her energy.
I am so saddened by this.

Off to study more trauma...I hate to wish time away, but I can't wait for next week!

I love you,
Maggie