Forgiveness...revisited

Clare,

I am glad that you were able to have that conversation with your ex...it is growth.
I have taken the opportunity to explain some of my past issues to an ex-boyfriend to help him see that my reactions and actions towards him were pre-programmed and he was not at fault, simply collateral damage. It felt good to see things differently, to help him and I to understand.

I wrote a fews lines once about the paradigm shifts that we are experiencing...
We're gonna change the world, one image at a time.
we're gonna change the way we see it in our mind.

We change the world by changing our perspectives, again it is that spiral that allows us to see many facets of our experiences. It is happening.

I forgot about altruism...
I have been focused on the dark side of humanity that I forgot that everything has an equal and opposite.
I read a study that over 75% of people (mostly women) who go into social work have had significant psychological trauma previously. They/we are the wounded healers.
So I must ask myself, or the universe...
Does altruism stem from being hurt?
Is there a neurophysiologic shift that occurs when we are deeply hurt that turns on the altruism gene? Are unharmed people still capable of altruism if it is demonstrated to them through their childhood?
I will have to look into that.

So now for the not so easy stuff of today. I have been haunted by your message from several weeks back that you knew what was going on  in the woods when I was 3.
Not in a vengence kind of way...but in a contemplative kind of way.
That line has given me much to consider.
When I wrote the "forgiveness" letter...the main theme was, "I forgive you, will you forgive me too?" I always kept myself safely tucked into in the victim's role, not understanding why I should ask for forgiveness, but trusting that the spirit gave me that message through my heart's voice...and so I wrote it as guided.
I have come to realize that I need to ask for forgiveness because, like you, I was a bystander when S#3 was being abused, when the neighbor was being abused, when God knows who else was being abused.
I didn't speak up.
I had been indoctrinated into the acceptance that this was normal and didn't question it.
I knew.
I had the power to make it stop.
I remained silent...for years.
Now, do I approach S#3 and apologize?...
she has told me that she is uncomfortable in my remembrances, content to remain in the cloud of unknowning.
Do I hold it until the opportunity arises to say the words? What if it never does? She went through a deep depression last summer...what if she does the same and attempts suicide again?
Help me with this...please.

I got an email from Mom today. Saying that she felt that I didn't want to talk with her. That she loves me. And that she and dad went golfing. I told her , that's funny because I got the same impression from her. I told her I can't do superficial conversation anymore. I want to know her...about her childhood, her parents, why she thought about reaching out to her siblings in her 40's but never did...
I may have asked too much...but I may never get the opportunity to ask again.
I have let go of trying to heal her...
she reached out to me...
I am asking for me this time, for my healing.
I can't let anything distract me on this journey...keep me focused, please.

It's the first day of summer vacation for my boys...65 degrees and raining...after weeks of 80 degree days...some things never change.

Keep watching those trees...
Maggie