Faduly

Of course they have negative, derogatory names.  Dad named them.  I was told that I was Fat, Dumb and Ugly so many times when I was young, that the words have been drilled into my core.  I wasn't the only one so named.  But I remember one day I realized I was trying to live up to his expectation of me, and he still didn't especially like me, much less love or respect me.  So the trio has been in my consciousness ever since. I have been trying to find the positive aspect of each, and of the union, and to embrace it.  Fat is actually soft and round and sexy.  As I thought about that, I remembered Mom nagging me about my weight when I was a teenager.  I was 5'8" about 145 pounds, and never over 150 pounds.  Definitely not overweight.  Yet she bought me diet diaries, and talked to me about how bad she felt for me.  I think she was in a panic, because I was so curvy.  My breasts were bigger than hers.  That had to bother her, but also panic her, because it meant that I might be a sexual creature.  She was definitely in the sex is bad, and only for marriage camp.  So I was not fat, I was sexy.  And in our family that was evil!

I found an article today that said women with big breasts have higher IQs!  It discussed the myth of the dumb blond, mentioning that people who actually knew Marilyn Monroe or Jayne Mansfield knew they were very bright.  But if we are sexual we must be of no other value. 

Dumb is silly, goofy.  Back to the dumb blond stereotype, although I was not blond past about 10 or 11 years old....Last night I let Fat, Dumb and Ugly rejoin, become one entity.  Ugly is not about being ugly, but about not being seen.  I still don't completely understand Ugly, but I appreciate your insight.  I encouraged them to rejoin, then invited them into our being.  I got flashes on my skeletal tarred little self.  She seemed healthier.  Maybe now, during solstice, she will rejoin me/us/me.  I feel like I am putting a puzzle together, but I don't know what it's supposed to look like.  Who or what am I?

I have been calling the new entity Faduly.  I created a name with no meaning so I could avoid expectations.  I have been singing Faduly, waiting for the next bit of info.

Isolation not only protects ego, it protects body and psyche when one is living with abuse.  It can be necessary and self-protective.  The problem is that after the abuser is gone, we don't know that it's safe to come out.  And you are right.  We are a tribal species.  We are meant to live in community, with peers and multigenerational interaction.  Now we don't even have nuclear family.  That is mostly shattered.  If we all lived in community, I doubt that we would consider your weaknesses.  We would allow each person's strengths to shine, and find that we each have a necessary strength, we are each valuable to the whole.  Now we are expected to do everything, and we beat ourselves up over the things we don't so well.  And sometimes I think we punish self or others by asking them to do what they don't do well.  Is this making sense, or am I blathering?

So, yeah, I remember the names Dad called people, especially young men who were interested in us.  It had nothing to do with our value to him or to the family.  It had everything to do with humiliating us and reminding us that we were not loveable, because if any of these males loved us, we might become sexual.  Over and over I think of the panic both Mom and Dad felt about sex.  Dad almost beat B#3 to death, in my memory, because a neighbor said he exposed himself.  That was not normal.  That was absolutely not normal.  Where did all the anger and fear come from?  Mom was embarrassed and furious when I asked about sex.  They simply are not normal.  Which is probably why they had so many children.

Had a long talk with my oldest yesterday.  There was so much compassion.  I apologized again for my anger when they were young.  I was told that they have their talks, like you and I are doing, and they remember, but they also discuss the tremendous pressure I was under.  And they are all in awe of what I did for them, with them.  I have to make sure I don't fall into the Mom Mea culpa routine, which immediately shuts down all communication.  And as agonizing as it might be, accept that maybe I was a good mother.  I did have fun when they were little......

Commendations on facing your fears and traveling through F-burg.  We will have to do it together and on foot, see if we can trigger anything.

I'd hug you, but it's soooo hot, so just love for today!!