It wasn't rhetorical

It wasn't a rhetorical question, and I already know the answer.  I was feeling emotional and challenging myself.  I was trying to feel the despair, or whatever emotion it is that I keep so controlled in my heart.  And it was working.  I was feeling for a little while last night.

I always go back to: only the two people in a marriage know what is going on.  We can have impressions from the outside, but not much more.  I think many women stay in hard relationships because they/we are afraid to be alone.  It's the Irish philosophy -better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.  Then of course there is the Catholic guilt of having promised to stay in the marriage forever.  My ultimate rationale was that I did stay until death did us part.  In our case, it was the death of the marriage rather than the participants.  I remember, as I struggled with my decision, telling Spirit that I would rather be alone than in as much pain as the marriage was causing.  I don't think that was a wise thing to say, now!

I remember an older woman friend whose husband raped their daughter.  She divorced him and eventually became engaged to a man who was mean to her children.  So she broke that off.  There was never another relationship.  She said if she had known that, she wouldn't have broken off with him.   I would have - and I never would have looked back.

I understand the freeze reflexes.  I think it stems from the impulse to save self vying with the sometimes physically violent conditioning we undergo that trains us to obedience.  In my case, a man in his early 20 passed me on the street and grabbed at my crotch.  I guess because I didn't scream, he came back and put his hand down my shirt and felt me up.  He said he wanted to show me the shortcut to the store.  I quoted Mom and said there was nothing shorter than a straight line.  He kept cajoling...so I bit him.  I really bit him.  So he took his hand out of my shirt and walked away.  So I continued walking to the store, got what Mom put on the list, went home and told Mom what happened.

Long day at work, and I'll be back at it agin tomorrow...must get away from this desk!

Have a wonderful weekend!!