Trust who?

The teacher you describe will come back again...I have heard or read that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear...maybe this is preparing you for that teacher...I hope so.

I did the same fear exercise this morning...it was frustrating...
I realized that I am unable to allow myself to feel fear...I couldn't go there...
even in the safety of my own sacred space...
So I began to meditate on this inability to allow myself to be afraid...

I am afraid to be alone.
I am afraid to be overwhelmed...emotionally and physically.
I am afraid of losing control.
I am afraid of being helpless...and voiceless.
I am afraid of being loved and loving truely...of being vulnerable.
I am afraid of being seen for who I really am.
I am afraid of being rejected.
I can take pain...I guess that deep down I feel as if I deserve pain...
so hurt me but please don't reject me.
I am afraid that I am confused...because as I share all of this I feel sadness and longing...not fear.
So what is fear...really?

All of this is in opposition to the persona I portray. I, on the surface, am OK with moving forward on this journey...even if it means that I am alone and rejected...but is that truely where I am at?
Is the fear exercise oncovering my present state...or is it a reflection of my past?

Without the emotional experience of fear, I cannot discern if this is past or present...
despite the use of meditation to access this experience.
I feel terror in my dreams...
I wake with a pounding heart and sense of dread and certainty that I am prey for something.
Although I wake myself before I see the outcomes.
Maybe that's why my dreams are such a blessing for me...they give me access to the emotions that I have locked away...
for self-preservation...to be that "good girl" that I was raised to be...
or the "good soldier" when you are raised in a military family.

I hated growing up in a military family...
cold, practical, detached, every man for themself, do your chores (KP) or you were humiliated and punished...
I never joined the army...just forced into it by birth! (now I am accessing anger...but still not fear!).
When dad was in Viet Nam, I remember Mom watching the news at night to see if Dad's name, or anyone they knew, had been killed. I remember they used to roll the names across the screen. What a sick preoccupation.
I hated when Dad was away...but I hated it even more when he returned.
I remember when he returned from Viet Nam...
there was a VW bus/van in the alley and I knew he was back...I hid...
I was so afraid of seeing him...having him back in our family life...
no teary-eyed, running and jumping into his arms reunion like they show on TV...
just fear of the unknown...he was unknown at that point...just a distant ambivalent memory.

After that, I adopted a crippled kitten, Tinya, who was the most loving cat. She was abandoned in the alley beside our house. She was so small...Tiny Tim, until we realized she was a female.
She got pregnant and Dad took her away...told me he drowned her because it was cruel to make her drag that big belly around...
He took and destroyed the one thing that I loved...cold heartedly...all in the name of kindness...
no wander I am so screwed up emotionally...
well she returned...a week or so later...she dragged that belly back to our house...he dumped her at a nearby farm, or along a road, who knows...
she returned to me and I realized that he lied to me, straight faced, coldly... I realized that he  was capable of that.
She had her kittens...I watched them being born.
I can't remember what happened to her after that. This is making me cry...and so angry...
How many things were taken from us...in the name of kindness?

When I was 15, I met a woman who changed my life...she became my mentor...
she was 15 years older than me...we bonded...
the parents, especially Dad branded her "trouble"...
"Why would she want to spend time with a teenager?"..."What does she want from you?"...
blah, blah, blah...Ad nauseum.
The one person who truly saw and believed in my potential...
who encouraged me to follow my dreams was labeled bad and untrustworthy...
Being the "bad" ebellious adolescent that I was, I followed my heart and trusted her...
she is one of the few that I allowed myself to trust in life...
she never lied to me...she is a true friend...Thank you I.
Of course we moved when I was 17...and we had less contact...
but I have seen her occasionally through the years and we still have a bond. Thank you universe.

May I offer advice? Sending your yougest child to help is a good thing...but her presence will change the dynamics of that family. They will have another person to buffer their interactions. It might distract them from the real work that they need to do. That will prolong the inevitable...their need to explore and heal their wounds. Counseling during this time of support is necessary.

I really liked the image you used yesterday about our two Lights shining, illuminating the path...the others can follow...I pray they will and find their own shalom.

Thanks for listening/reading...this has been difficult for me...but I trust you with it...
Maggie