Ah, quiet...I worked today, then got groceries, and then...grandchildren. It is lovely to have them with me. When the younger one went to sleep, the older one and I went out to watch lightning bugs. Tonight is a magical night. I think I saw a shooting star, and we found the Big Dipper and the Milky Way.
I didn't think you were judging me for finding a home for Tinya. I just wanted to stop the harshness of your response, that part where we really beat ourselves up. I think animals understand the big picture and are here to teach us. I think we have both learned to value our four legged companions - and the feathered ones too! I was thinking about how I felt when I had to take the cat away and leave her in that barn. The best description is hollow. I felt hollow, like I had no insides and no feelings. Are these the moments that dampen our sparks - or in Pennsylvania Dutch - outen our light? The pain is so much that we simply stop feeling?
Fern came from a healthy home with good role models. I remember going to a chicken dinner at the church once, I had to be about 9. I saw a lady using her knife and fork to eat hers, and so I tried to do the same. My plate slipped. Neither Mom nor Dad said a word, no one stopped to help me. Finally one of the kitchen volunteers came and helped me clean the plate, then I sat there, ashamed, for the rest of the meal, and had nothing to eat. We didn't know it was possible to speak up. How could you possibly learn to stand between the ax and the pig, when we can't even handle a public mishap and ask for a plate to share food with a child. I'm sure that what happened was Dad blustered in the privacy of our home, that, "We can't take those damn kids anywhere."
I never thought about turtles spending so much of their lives alone. What I do think of is that they are ancient, and the most ancient of plants and insects and creatures fascinate me. Turtles have shells with 13 plastrons - one story for each of the full moons of the year, according to native tradition - who also say we live on Turtle Island. And I just read that the internal organs of an old turtle are indistinguishable from a young one, and so they are being studied in reference to longevity. Have you ever read Elizabeth Marshall Thomas? She wrote the Hidden Life of Dogs, the Tribe of Tiger for cats. She analyzed their social structure and points out that cats have an intricate social structure. We just don't see it because it is different. It makes me wonder how turtles organize their social structure. They live so long and so slowly, we probably can't recognize it with our human short-sightedness.
B#4 sent me a recommendation to listen to a band called Trampled by Turtles last evening. Coincidence? One of my favorite quotes is: Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
Depression and dreams did not get in the way...they just showed us the path we were supposed to explore!
Mom's brothers. I don't remember a lot. The older had a troubled first marriage. I think they married young, and she left him a lot. It was strange. They would be around, they would disappear, and I never understood what was happening. His second wife was older, possibly more motherly. That was a long and stable union. He raised the oldest child, the younger two were with their mom. That family was so split. And apparently there have been some problems with him accepting his youngest's homosexuality. More estrangement. I have a lot of respect for the youngest brother because of the unity and connection he and his wife have with their children,. But since they live so far away, I have absolutely no idea of the dynamics. He was often judgmental and I was never quite good enough.
I did put the youngest in a tough position once. I told him that I was living with a boyfriend. I figured if he accepted it easily, I would tell Mom. I didn't tell Mom! I think she still does not know...Grammy's family was not very connected. One brother died in WWII. Another disappeared for years, came back to the family home region not too long before he died. Grammy married an alcoholic. These are signs of having come from a dysfunctional, probably alcoholic, home. Her sister was normal until age 7 when she got one of the childhood diseases. A very high fever damaged her brain, and she never matured past 7 years old. According to the stories, she lived with Mom's family when Mom was young, but she became increasingly violent. Mom said she was schizophrenic. The story is that she grabbed a knife and tried to attack someone, possibly Uncle J, at a birthday party. After that she was admitted to the state hospital where she lived until the hospitals were closed. Then she moved in to a group home. The last time I saw her was when she was in the hospital for some kind of routine surgery. I must have been in college. She recognized me immediately. When I was about 7 we lived near her, and Grammy occasionally brought her to our house for day visits. We were good friends at that time. I wrote to her for years - maybe once or twice a year. I remember going to the state hospital when I was very young. I must have been with Grammy. I don't know if we visited her there, or if we were getting her for the day...it happened more than once, though.
Grampa Smoke's family...hmmmm. There were a lot of them. I don't know where he was in the roll of kids. I know his mother was Irish Catholic, and she founded the Catholic Daughters chapter in their region. There were the twins - Ursula and Catherine, Great Aunt C was the family historian and I have copies of a lot of her research. Several never married. I remember Uncle Pete, which was not his real name. What I remember was that he was very religiously judgmental. He was not very nice! There was also an Aunt Essie, who lived alone in a corner house. I used to stop and visit her when we lived in that town. She wrote hymns. I can still sing one of them -- or at least some of it. It seems like I was quite the little busy-body!! What really stands out for me is that the siblings lived close, but did not interact a lot.
You lived closer later, so your perspective is different than mine. What do you remember?
Did you finish the dream sequence?
Yawns and Love,
Clare
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