Turning My Back

Fear - just draw black and pervasive.  Got enough black markers?

My son and his wife...no news is good news?  The youngest sibling is going to stay for two months and help out before, hopefully, starting school at a community college.  It will be good to have someone in the family there to be an extra pair of hands, and a show of support from home.  As with all crises, there was a lot of communication which settled back to the usual.

I am willing to wait to share this body of writing with the sibs and the 'rents.  Part of me believes that we'll know when the time is right.  Maybe my feelings yesterday mean that we are getting close.  I'm glad you are so willing to share, because as I said, I get nervous, but I know I will do it and face the responses we get.  And as I've said so many times, there's nothing to lose for me.

Perimenopausal confuses everything!  The body is so discombobulated!  What a time to be trying to find balance!  You definitely do not do anything by the book.  May I make a suggestion as an herbalist?  Start drinking dandelion root tea every day.  It relaxes and tones the liver.  Once the liver is healthy it can do its jobs of clearing toxins, then have enough stamina left over to clear all those extra hormones wreaking havoc on your body!

Agreements I have turned my back on...I read a beautiful article once about   life's interruptions actually being divine appointments.  I can remember times when I had a chance to intervene, but fear pushed me away.  Once when the kids were elementary age, we passed a woman screaming at her son outside the library.  My kids were frozen in horror and so I shooed them away, then we talked about it.  Her rage frightened me, because it reminded me of me.  Now, I know it would have been so easy to gently say,  "It seems like you are having a really hard day."  to that mom.  Instead, I let her child down and proved that the abuse was acceptable.  My silence offered a strong message, even to my own children.  It was the seed of our behavior.  Don't get involved, you are helpless so don't even try, and it's okay for others to be bad in public as long as we behave properly.  In public.

In another situation, and my story is typically strange, I was supposed to work with a teacher.  People sent me messages from their dreams, psychics felt drawn to tell me about it.  Spirit worked hard to get the message to me, and I even kind of believed it.  When the moment came, and it did, I was completely overwhelmed with feelings of shame and inadequacy and I walked away.  I turned my back and did not allow the person to approach me.  I regret this moment.  Unfortunately, the same thing happened years later.  I turned my back again.  I thought I was stronger, but I was wrong.  I feel really embarrassed writing this...

How long will your depression last?  If you need to vent or need to spend time talking so you know you are not alone, call me...