More questions for the Universe

Clare,

I guess I can accept that depression and CPTSD are an expected reaction to my life's events...I have trouble seeing it as a healthy survival type reaction instead of a weakness though. I feel as if, when I verbally own it, I have to explain myself and justify the cause...I'm still getting comfortable with all of this.
In reference to dad, I suppose his volatility was a manifestation of CPTSD as well...with depressive symptoms, and self-medication (alcohol). I just remember him wanting to be left alone alot of the time. If he was interrupted he was rude and mean. His name calling and prejudices were a way to make himself more powerful...rather than admitting that others were equal.

I have been thinking of all of the other "traumas" in my life...
A near abduction when I was in middle school...
Two incidents of men exposing themselves to me...
I told my son about the day my friends and I were swimming and rocking a floating dock. One of us fell in and was hit on the head by the dock and went under. After what seemed like forever she finally surfaced, seemingly OK, and we left. On the way home she stopped breathing...I did mouth to mouth as my friend drove to the hospital...she survived.
I have seen many things in the hospitals...
the death of a 13 year old on an ATV...and the hour of trying to resuscitate him, cracking his chest...doing everything you see on TV...only to hear the wailing of his family when we told them he was dead.
A group of college students caught in the woods by a sudden thunderstorm...struck by lightning...bodies brought in the back of a pick up truck...one dead, many injured.
A woman who "fileted" herself open, arms, legs, abdomen, to release the demons...
SIDS babies...still borns...cancer...suicide.
A schizophrenic prostitute with AIDS who had to be made to understand the danger of her actions...
The multiple personality student who triggered all of these memories for me.
People around me telling me, "get used to it, this is medicine."
No wonder I cry for animals...that is a safe place to release my emotions.
For years women have trusted me with their abuse stories...they tell me their tales of suffering and victimization...
I am blessed and cursed...

What is it about my life that attracts this energy? Or am I attracted to this energy?

I have also had incredible opportunity to experience life at its fullest...
Birth
death
joy and heartbreak...
personally and vicariously.

I have never felt closer to lifting the veil than when I was delivering a baby or helping a family allow their loved one to die...what a gift all of this is to me.

But why? After all of this experience...why?
How does it come together and make sense?
I have been shown many sides of humanity, what am I to do with all of this?
(Universe questions...don't feel obligated to answer)

My mind is too full to make sense right now...
until tomorrow,
Maggie