Clare,
I saw that turtle picture on facebook and was so sad. How tangled his inner organs must be...
but he lives on...just as we all live on despite our inner confusion and conflicts.
Last night I was thinking about dumb...
and my mind settled on the F-burg neighbor lady's name D. Umb....
it was just a passing thought.
A while back you said something about you and cousin L hiding your breasts if you should ever be seen...I can understand that.
Do you remember that when I was young I had terrible leg/hip pain, especially at night?
I would lie awake with pain, sometimes crying. I used to imagine that I had hip problems like S#3, or a tumor, or something equally bad.
When I am stressed or feel threatened now, as an adult, my instinctual bodily reaction is to clamp my legs together as tightly as possible. This can be triggered by any kind of stress.
On those days and nights I have that same leg/hip pain. It is intense and unrelenting.
I have found that it is caused by spasm of my iliopsoas muscle group which is a main flexor of the hip and thigh. I and my husband have learned to release it through pressure point work...
all those years of pain...and it was all about keeping my thighs together.
So I think my answer to your question would be both...hands to cover breasts, thighs to cover my genitalia.
So was the fear of sex a cultural thing or was it from the Delana bones and traditions?
In the 60's people of all ages were experimenting with sex.
I don't remember Mom ever talking with me about sex or my periods.
I did get "modesty" talks, especially when B#1 had a few navy buddies home and I was in a T shirt watching TV...Dad called Mom into the kitchen and he left and Mom called me in.
I remember that I teased Mom on the morning after my wedding that she hadn't had the sex talk with me...she told me that she assumed that I knew more about it than she did anyway.
S#4 told me that her sex talk consisted of Mom describing that afterwards it feels like egg whites in your crotch...like you sat on raw eggs was the way she phrased it I believe.
When I was having trouble conceiving my first child Mom told me that they used reverse rhythm method to get pregnant...that could only have been your conception because 8 more in 9 years is too much rhythm...
The 4 little girls bought Mom a negligee once for her birthday...she thought it was funny...she said that she was glad that we still saw her like that...still young and vibrant enough to be sexy.
I remember Mom saying that she would rather die than have a breast removed...but then faced with her own breast cancer she opted to lose the breast, not her life.
In the more recent past I have to say how incredibly hurt I was when Mom and Dad would come to within and hour of my house (closer to S#3 and B#4) and not stop in or meet up with us...they had to pick up his Viagra from the VA...God forbid you stop in and see the products of your sex...just rush home to have more.
Sorry for my rant...I should focus on things more central to my spirit and healing...
This morning I journaled a series of questions...
universal questions about how and why humans hurt each other...
why power over others is so damned seductive...
enough to make us unconscious to the fact that we are abusing another human...body and spirit.
I was doing an exercise called tonglen...
I breathe in sorrow...I breathe out peace
I breathe in disrespect...I breathe out true vision
I breathe in pain...I breathe out compassion
Our normal human reaction to is take in the good and exhale the bad...
but intentionally doing the opposite is really opening...
I just have to remind myself that I am not taking on the problems of the world...because I like to take on everyone else's problems so that I don't have to see my own.
I love you,
Maggie
P.S. S#3 is having a difficult time right now...please hold her in the Light.
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