Come Out of the Woods

Hi Maggie,

You have mentioned your first serious boyfriend a few times.  I have a similar story.  When people ask why that first serious relationship ended, I have to say it's because he was too healthy for me.  It's supposed to be a joke, but it's the truth.  He called when he said he would, showed up on time, supported me even when I didn't ask for help.  I really didn't get it!  He is still my friend, and now I value him, and feel lucky that he is part of my life.  But, I needed the passionate agony of wondering where someone was, was he coming home, would he make it home alive.  Even when it's sick, we recreate what seems to be normal for us.  Alcoholic drama just feels normal.

I was hanging with the aspens and a memory flashed into my mind.  I was three years old - I remember the house/room.  Mom was putting me to bed and she wanted to say prayers with me.  I wouldn't cooperate.  I refused to say my prayers.  I remember why I refused - it was because I wanted her to stay with me.  I knew if I said the prayer she would kiss me, turn out the light and leave.  I refused, so she turned off the light and left.  I started crying.  I cried for what seemed like a very long time before she came back and asked what my problem was.  I told her I wanted to say my prayers.

I remember being terrified of the dark in that house.  I was afraid to get out of the bed, afraid to put my feet on the floor.  I knew something was going to grab me or poke me in the dark.  I had cartoon images of the devil with a pitchfork.  The terror was real.  That's the house we lived in when B#3 was born.

Having to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom left me in the same panicked, hyperventilating state the nightmare has always created.  I vividly remember making it back to bed safe and alive and untouched once.  I remember the relief, the sense of safety.

Instead of thinking as a grown up, think as a small child.  Have compassion for that little girl in F-burg who was overwhelmed by violence, tortured by the family members who should have protected you.  If you could not tell Mom what the boys were doing to you, how could you tell her what they were doing to our little sister.  Besides, would telling Mom have helped?  I think she would have chalked it up to kids playing doctor.  Or she would have asked the brothers what was going on, and they would have lied.  And she would have believed them, because that was what she wanted to be true.  Just remember my story - the neighbor kids told me about abuse at the hands of their brother.  I told another neighbor's mom.  She just shook her head and noted he was doing that again.  If the older, wiser adults don't think it's a problem, then as I kid I must be missing something.

Do you want to talk to S#3?  What do you want to get from the talk?  Would you be doing it for you?  For her?  To try to move her forward?  As an opening for talking about the work we are doing together?   I have seen her curl into the fetal position to try to protect herself.  I think she knows best what she can survive.  If you apologize will it change things as far as depressions go?  On the other hand, if someone apologizes and just acknowledges that she was there, she was one of us, it could make a difference.

I have also been haunted by knowing that you were in the woods with B#3, and knowing that you were playing a sex game. I am haunted by my reaction - oh.  Why was that normal?  I have gone back to that question over and over.  And until you stated the obvious, just weeks ago, it never entered my mind that I might have the power to stop what was happening.  It's probably why you couldn't help S#3.  It was normal.. This is just what happens to us. Before you ask S#3 to forgive you, make sure you have forgiven yourself, and come to terms with who we are.

S#3 is seeing a therapist now, so there is someone monitoring her.  Our job is to reach out, remind her that we love her, and be oh-so-grateful that she is our sister.  She has such a good heart.

Mom reached out to you.  This is what we wanted.  We wanted to start reconnecting as a family.  I think maybe we were/are/will continue to be a bit naive - it's going to hurt more than we imagined.  But we made it through this before.  We can do it again, especially with the distance.  Ask authentic questions and remember that the first answers will be tentative.  She has to be wondering what you want, because this is different.  In our family, we don't want to know!

So Maggiieeeee, Maggiieeee, come out of the woods.  Why don't you and B#3 come play with me?  We can be superheroes!!!

I love you.  I want to play with you!