And Boldly Go

Everything we are doing requires faith.  We don't know what the results of changing behaviors or thought patterns will be - but we know it will be different.  And we are counting on the fact that different will be better than this.  If we don't change, and step into the void (The voice in my head:  And boldly go where no Delana has gone before...) I can absolutely assure you everything will stay the same.  The dramas may look different, but they won't be, really.

Maybe we should define martyr.  Everything has it's positive side.  A martyr has a certain generosity of Spirit and selflessness.  This is good, and we should probably coin a word for someone who behaves this way, just so we have a goal - who will we become?  The problem with being a martyr, especially in a dysfunctional family, is that because we never say no, people always ask.  As a martyr, I give with strings attached.  I expect those I cater to to notice me, and cater to me in return.  But in our kind of family, with everyone seeking to escape pain, aiding someone provides them with an escape.  And they only feel the relief and never notice the source.  And so as martyr, I become just a bit passive-aggressive, but I will never ever say no and explain that I resent being asked, nor will I set boundaries.  I expect the askee to set my boundaries, to notice my distress and not ask too much of me.

And there's the extra bonus of being so busy we don't have time to feel.  Yet one more way to numb, until we have a moment of silence, and sense what we've done to ourselves now!

If we become someone/something new, and the word to describe us is probably very simple, we set boundaries.  We say yes when we can do things with love.  I think it means there will still be moments of too much to do,  and wondering why we agreed to this, but in the end there is a feeling of success and capability that feeds us and makes us better, makes our community better.

With S#3, if you have unnamed expectations that will trigger passive aggressive tendencies if she does not respond appropriately, then it's not time.  But the time will come.  I worry about her, and I don't think she understands how important she is to me.  She is strong, and she is present, and I think she wants to survive, at least for her kids and grandkids, if not for herself.

I was afraid of the dark until high school.  Then I was just too depressed to be afraid of anything.  I think the wildly changing hormones of those early to mid teen years just left me emotionally and spiritually lethargic.  If ever I was close to suicide, it was then.  I used to fantasize about it.  I hated everything when I was in high school.  I don't know how normal our fears are.  I was over-attentive to my children's crying too.  I couldn't let them cry it out.  The pediatrician told us to let #1 cry it out to establish a new, easier bedtime ritual before #2 arrived.  We did it, but I sat outside her door and cried with her.  I relented about the routine, and never let another cry it out.  It is inhumane.

I imagine worst case scenarios all the time.  What is the pleasure in worrying and imagining the worst? And remember, Grandma was a world-class worrier.  I have this superstitious awareness that the things I worry about the most never happen.  Maybe worry and panic are my own personal voo-doo to keep bad things away from me....  And lately my imagination and my worrying have been a bit heightened, because of my son's accident.  Every time I hear a siren, I freeze.  Then I pray.  But sometimes I find myself in the mental middle of awful scenarios, completely of my own creation.  Usually it involves one of my kids.  I have to stop myself, remind myself that it is extremely unlikely, then intentionally direct my thoughts elsewhere.  If I have this wonderful ability to imagine, why does it have to be some painful or gruesome.

Big question - if you give up being a martyr, what would you like to be?

It's your life, and it's becoming more yours everyday.  (Oh, and I'm not sure why you think I have the blueprint.  Remember, I'm lost in the woods with you!  I'm just very grateful that you're in shouting distance!)