The 5 letter B word is a compliment

Clare,

I find real pearls in what you write. I believe in the relative darkness and light...the greys.
Everything in our universe has balance...an equal but opposite force.
Instead of hating the part of you that fears being seen and therefore becoming a target of further abuse...who hates,
juxtapose it beside the part of you that is a bitch...a fiercely protective life giver...who loves.
Find a balance point between the two.

I want to consider the idea that Mom just flutters...gets anxious...lets us cry...
but has failed to find her voice to help us.
I do love Mom.
I am frustrated by her "mea culpa" and eternal damnation reaction when the abuse is talked about.
I have, in the past felt like it was a smoke screen to protect Dad, the real negative force in our family.
Yesterday, I was searching the journals for the effects of young child sexual abuse and found a fair number of articles on young children who abuse.
There were 2 main ingredients that were consistently uncovered;
1. previous abuse...and identification with the abuser (generally a trusted person in their life) and
2. lack of support...not having another adult to disclose to, who validates that the action(s) are wrong, and who protects you from further abuse, and supports your healing journey.
Without both of those ingredients the first victim of abuse heals and does not perpetuate the abuse onto others.

number 1. was Dad...abusing us, especially the boys...who learned the behaviors well
number 2. was Mom...who let us cry in the night...cry in the dark...cry anytime...and sent us back out to 'play' in the neighborhood...we came home for dinner and darkness...otherwise we were "in the way"...
If only Mom had asked us what was going on...if she could have found the courage to journey there.
Imagine what life would be like now...but that is not our reality.
I think this is how S #4 and 5 escaped the majority of this...they were allowed to stay in the house and close to be observed.
Again we are abnormal and dysfunctional, but unfortunately not atypical.

It has been easier for me to separate light (Mom) and dark (Dad) in my psyche...I have held Mom up, in a place of honor...not allowing myself to realize that she was as responsible for all of this as anyone. I have to come to grips with the dual nature of each of them...and consider their past experiences and their degree of brokenness...learn to accept and love them in spite of all of this.

This morning I had a remembrance of being on the corner across from our house on center street and watching a very little girl being hit by a car...I saw the car...saw her run onto the street between cars after a ball...heard the squeal of the brakes...and the thud. She was just lying there in a strange position, not moving. I saw the driver get out and act frantic. I watched as her parents panicked and threw her into their car to go to the hospital...not even waiting for an ambulance. I went across the street and never told anyone that I had witnessed that. I heard later that she died.
This is not the first time that I have remembered that...I told Mom about it several years ago..she was shocked that I had seen and remembered it.
Why was I so numb that I couldn't cry? Why couldn't I tell anyone the story, or ask for help?

I want to ask you something...Is there anything that you can remember about the abuse in Gap that makes you wonder if someone bigger that B#1 and 2 directed it, at least for the first time? I am consistently experiencing a nagging feeling that one of the uncles was there and possibly responsible for at least the idea. I can't tell you why I feel like this...I don't have specific recall...but is nagging at me.

One last idea, or response...without the "too good mother" you will be free to express all of the other aspects that are you. It's not getting rid of the "mother"...just the one that has to take care of everything for everyone. We, as an integrated person, can't mature if one aspect dominates all the rest...remember balance...the "too good mother" wants us to remain dependent...to not be self-reliant, strong and trusting of our intuition...she wants us to ignore our heart's voice...just like Mom wanted us to forget this...not go to med school...just be sensible and get married and settle down (aka not be Wild Women).

I love you,
Maggie