Cries in the Night

Hey, I believe in miracles!  I really do.  I believe that when our hearts are wide open, we are ready, and it happens!

Oh, and I was the good student.  I felt/feel very uncomfortable if I didn't know the answer.  I wasn't the kid furiously waving my hand, but I was always prepared with the answer, just in case.  Because I needed authority figures to know I was good.  I'm glad to be off the hook, and sharing these questions with you, rather than trying to find answers.

In addition to turning on the Light, I think we are turning on our Light.  I had that momentary question - "are the Lights on?  is anyone in that brain?"  flash, followed by a very Quakerly light-hearted image.  Under the bed...it's just dark.  I think I have been more afraid of the dark, and the dark under the bed, than of what may be under the bed.  But the closets...have you ever had the experience of seeing faces in the folds of the clothes?  That used to terrify me.  Or sometimes I would see them leering at me from the wrinkles in the bedclothes.  So I would have to kick them around or smooth them (depending on my level of panic) until the entities were gone.  I am feeling a bit vulnerable admitting this...this is where I wonder how close I veer to the edge.  And I have always chalked these experiences up to my very active imagination.

A Friend unknowingly helped me conquer my fear of the dark once and for all.  I had decided not to be afraid, and was mostly successful.  But this Friend described his habit of walking in the middle of the night.  He went outside, in the country somewhere, and tried to follow the chi, the energy, of pathways that people usually walked.  So I did that.  I went outside alone and walked pathways, just by feel.  If I truly believe that the Earth is home, and it's a generous and blessed place, then I am safe.  And I was.

I do wonder why Mom didn't answer cries in the night.  Over and over, I hear sibling remembrances of crying alone in the dark.  Was that generational?  Was she also afraid of the dark?  I remember her telling a sitter,  "Unless she bloody murder, just leave her alone."  "She" was our youngest sister.  I am curious about that phrase - to scream bloody murder...like, maybe, if we weren't being murdered, it wasn't too bad, so she just let us deal with it.  It's easy to be abused in a house where no one answers your screams.  Was she forbidden to answer screams?   Was she afraid to answer screams?  When did she scream like that, or have to listen to screaming, so that it became rational to ignore her children's pain, panic, need?

And if I were crying in the night, I never wanted Dad to answer...

Then there was Dad's theory that if he told us how stupid or clumsy we were, we would try harder just to prove him wrong, and end up successful because of his wisdom.  Personally I think he had years of opening his mouth and letting the vile things he heard from his father flow over us.  Then he had to think of a way to rationalize his cruelty.  Which indicates he was aware of being cruel...

Is it wonder that we are all in such pain?

I had a conversation about altruism and compassion with an old friend this weekend.  This person proposes that compassion is the moving force, altruism is the outward sign.  I argued that I don't care which is which, altruism is real and it's part of being human, if we are raised humanely.  As for people who remain very altruistic even after being put through horrific abuse - there's the magnificence of the human spirit!

When I was reading your account of your message at Meeting, then the responses, I had a new vision...We divide things into black and white, light and dark.  It's the shades of grey that should draw us.  It's the shades that give perspective.  There are people who dive into the problems and immerse themselves in the worst life has to offer, and people who only see the good things, blind themselves to the awful.  Both lack balance, both lack the perspective that blending life will bring.  I don't think I am articulating this well, but there is a deep feeling that goes with this thought process.

Your comments about the Bible caught me.  I am not a Biblical scholar, nor do I want to be.  And I have very mixed feelings about the writings and translations.  Your shared observation hit me really hard.  That we as humans are asleep to our humanity.  Maybe this is the moment when it happened, when we lost ourselves.  I absolutely do not believe that Adam was the first man.  But I believe he might symbolize the first patriarchal  farmer who owned land, owned animals, owned his wife and children.  I have read over and over that both our brains and our physiology are hunter/gatherer and I believe we are tribal.  But with the Bible, everything must be owned and passed father to son.  Daughters are tradeable wealth, wives are possessions, as are their handmaidens.

I started to explore this, but I think it will take us away from where we need to go - into the recent effects of violence on our family.  I'll just add a last thought...as our Light comes on and we see what has happened, we will be terrified for a moment.  Your description of awaking from a nightmare was good preparation. Then there will be the relief - it is over, we survived.  We are strong, we are Light!

Love ya, Maggs

C.