Hypervigilant

If I give up the martyr role who will I be?
Giving up a central role in my psyche leaves a void...
or a space that could be filled with beautiful and creative things.

So what does living without that role look like?
How do I authentically remain Maggie and not feel as if I am obligated to do whatever anyone asks of me?
I believe that I am attempting to create that. I need a blueprint or maybe a bell that goes off, just prior to my swallowing something else..."OK, I'll do it."
This is important...This feels like it will be a big step for me.

Apologizing to S#3 is for me...I know that. But, answer me this...isn't not apologizing just being a martyr? Isn't helping myself a step away from the martyr role. Isn't acknowledging my needs and acting on that a healthy thing? I told you that I need a blueprint for this.
Answering Mom is also a step for me. I made a conscious decision to answer her with an invitation to share. I believe that I made it clear that this is what I need.

I never knew you were afraid of the dark...
I am terrified of the dark. I still am.
I still keep a small light on in my room at night. When it's dark my senses all become more keen.
I am hypervigilant.
Every noise...every movement...everything must be investigated.
Last night we had a torrential rain...I could hear water dripping through the rain and had to go fix it.
I always imagine the worst case scenario.
When my kids were infants I was right there when they cried. When my kids were little I checked and rechecked them. The two with asthma especially. Their coughing always seemed to worsen when they laid down.
I was exhausted for years. That's the hypervigilance of PTSD.
When I was young I was afraid to sit on the toilet because I imagined the devil was "down there" and would grab me if I sat down. Why did we have such a heightened fear of the devil? Was it being Catholic? I was also afraid of the space under the bed...still am. It sounds crazy.

How much of this do "normal" people experience? I often wonder just how abnormal I am...
I also wonder if there are truely any "normal" people at all.

Anyway, I have to go finish my weeding and mulching.
I love you.
Have a wonerful day Wynn Helig,
Maggie