From Merriam-Webster: the quality or state of having little resistance to some outside agent <vulnerability to infection>
Synonyms defenselessness, weakness
From your post via Wikipedia: Pain motivates the individual to withdraw from damaging situations, to protect a damaged body part while it heals, and to avoid similar experiences in the future.
I had a bad weekend. I cried a lot, thinking that life should not be this hard. I should be able to make progress. I should be seeing signs of progress. But no matter how hard I work, nothing seems to change. It made me so sad, and so overwhelmed with life.
So, because you reminded me, I watched the two Brene Brown lectures on TED, and I took notes! I wanted to be able to think straight about the language we are exploring and using.
She is redefining vulnerability. I am in awe of the power of language. I love uncovering the true roots and meanings of words. Vulnerable comes from the Latin - to wound. The protoype of the word wound, wen, has also morphed into wean, and win.
According to Brene, vulnerability is not weakness. It is pure courage. It is the most accurate measurement of courage. It is also the birthplace of shame, the always present awareness that I am not good enough.
What comes to mind is the question - when are we most vulnerable? The obvious answer is when we are infants. If we are neglected as infants, we learn that we are not worth mothering. We are not worth anyone's time or attention. We are a bother, a burden, a load to be dragged around until we can legally be dumped and kicked out. That is bad enough. But what happens to the infant who is physically or sexually abused? What happens when we feel pain at the hands of our beloved, God-like parents, the source of our life, our sustenance, the air that we breathe? No matter what quality of care we get, if we are kept alive, we accept it as enough. So what happens the first time we feel the shock of physical abuse in or on our tiny bodies. The shock has to be soul shattering and heart breaking. How can we possibly ever let down our guard again? Other pains come and go, reinforcing that initial betrayal. But how can we judge what is normal and what is not? We lost before the game even began. I think that initial pain defines us, unless we find a way to tease it out of infant memory. Is that possible? And if the pain provides time and space for us to protect a wounded body part until it heals, how can we heal what we can't quite identify. So the pain stays with us forever. It does define us. Perhaps the earliness of the initial pain is what makes our PTSD so Complex!
According to Brene, Shame is the gremlin..."You're not good enough." If we were good enough, we would have been protected, not abused. Logical Clare can explain around this, but Emotional Clare can't get past this.
Before Brene, before family suicide attempts, I was working with the issues of transparency and vulnerability. I think they are closely tied. I finally decided that vulnerability was having an open heart chakra - open to love and be loved, and to being transparent. It takes a great fearlessness to open the heart. I didn't realize how broken hearted I was/am, though. That makes this work a little more difficult. I was thinking - duct tape, but then I saw a Japanese bowl that cracked, and the cracks were filled with gold, making it even more beautiful because of what it survived. I think I will meditate on this for a few days. And I am playing with idea of selective vulnerability - can't wander around with heart flapping open all the time, can we?
Brene says shame is I am bad, as opposed to I did something bad, guilt. Shame has led me to do bad things, but apologizing and forgiveness changes that. She says the antidote to shame is empathy. I listen, accept and say, "Me, too." And I know she is right, because healing began at my first Al Anon meeting where I heard people tell my story - Me, too, you're not alone...it was such a relief to learn that I am not a monster...So why do I always feel so alone? Why do I isolate myself? Do I really need to explore this in such depth? What will it take to kick me out of this "swampland of the soul"? (Brene's words)
The other sentence that hit me once again from the Shame lectures - we don't numb pain. We numb vulnerability. Analyze that one, please!
And finally Shame needs three things to survive. It needs secrecy, silence and judgment. We are standing here, together, hand-in-hand, hearts glowing with true love for family and for each other saying I will not be silent, and we will not keep toxic secrets any more. I need to work on judgment, though, especially of self.
So, little sister, what brought you joy today? For what are you grateful today?
I went outside after an early morning rain, with the sun sparkling on the grass, and I felt such joy in this planet. We live in a such a gloriously beautiful place.
And I am grateful that I am still in such pain, because it means I can feel. I am alive. I am here.
And I love you...remember that!!
PS - upon rereading your post. I don't want to pick scabs. I want to lance the boils and let the pus drain from my soul! Then I want to see shiny, new, healthy scars.
No comments:
Post a Comment