A Healthy Depresson

Hey Maggie,

Glad you found that moment of peace.  Sometimes that is enough to get us through the day.  Just like finding one compassionate person can be enough to get us through a lifetime...

You're right when you say our suffering isn't a contest.  I am the one who needs to remember that.  I have a habit of imagining others who are in more pain than I am, and so I minimalize my suffering..  There's something in my psyche that says if I don't have it the worst of all, then it's not my turn to be soothed and nurtured and noticed and fed.  I always let someone else go first.  I need to remember that what we went through was real, and it did affect who we are and our ability to get through each day today.  I need to remember one of my key triggers is mom's voice telling me to be good, she will take care of me when she gets done taking care of the baby(s).  I need to stop waiting to take care of me.  Still, though, I am a bit clueless...

Rejection is painful, so painful that I don't take risks.  Not being seen hurts, but it's bearable because it is so familiar.  Being noticed, being celebrated, being the center of attention is almost as bad as rejection, probably because I have been so deeply filled with "I am not worthy."  This is probably part of the reason I didn't want to go to graduation, I settled for not having a wedding, I hate surprise parties that are for me.  I am enough is what I need to internalize.  Because I am enough, and in fact sometimes I am too much, but that's okay too!  There was a spark...will it catch and stay lit?  Will I begin burning and yearning for me??


It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.  -Jiddu Krishnamurti

I love that quote.  And of course you're depressed.  It is the sign of a healthy psyche.  We live in a violent time and place and escape seems impossible.  You were abused, you had no sanctuary, no refuge until you were old enough to create your own.  You were physically hurt, treated like a sex toy and told to keep quiet - not a sound out of you, never tell what happened.  (I'm not sure where "not a sound out of you" came from, but it is creating waves of emotion in my chest...)  If you survived everything inflicted on you, how can you not be depressed?  Depression is almost a badge of survival these days - our Purple Heart!  Can you imagine introducing yourself,  "Hi, I'm Maggie and I'm depressed."  How about,  "I'm Maggie and my brothers sexually abused me for years!"

This is weird, but freeing.  "Hi, I'm Clare, and I left nail marks on my sister's leg.  You can still see the scars!"  Or "Hi, I'm Clare and my dad says I'm so stupid I can't boil water."   Hmmm, it's easier for me to identify your abuse than my own.  I think we're back to the top of this page - if someone suffered more than me, then it's not my right to be noticed and taken care of.

And Dad, well, if I was a gambler (does playing Lotto count?) I would bet all that he was sexually abused by his dad and his brothers.  How could he ever find the strength inside of him to ask for help?  How can we even know there is help?  I think men have the additional oppression of having to appear strong and in control at all times.  We need to rearrange our thinking and understand that asking for help takes immeasurable strength.  Admitting they are not invincible makes them stronger and more flexible and more resilient.  I don't think I have ever thought that Dad was depressed.  What symptoms were you noticing that escaped me?

Maybe we should start a BuiDoi genetic registry to start connecting these abandoned kids with their extended families!

I am going back to "Don't tell Aunt MJ that B#2 tried to commit suicide...Don't tell, don't tell. don'ttelldon'ttelldon'ttell!!!!!  How many secrets do we have hidden in this family?  Can you imagine the secret of Delana's left behind in Viet Nam? 

The spiral staircase was freeing for me.  I have had the sense of trudging up the stairs.  It is good to know I don't have to dive in the swamp, I can simply run up and down the stairs as needed!

Joy to you this day...and love!!