The 'isms" form the prisms through which we view life...
That sounds like the refrain of a song...I will have to work on those lyrics.
I had a heart to heart with my wise friend today...
she listened while I described my stress eating and anxiety about gathering...
she calmly told me that I establish the boundaries in my life now...
she reassured me that I was safe...
and she told me that I had already fulfilled my entitlement to my family, particularly to Mom...
and that I have no obligations...
I am not obliged to create a facade for anyone there...
she told me to seek you out because you are truly family...
and to celebrate the victories of my life.
She also gave me insight that I needed to hear...
our family, particularly Mom, has given love as best she was able...
she has given love as she was taught to give...
and for me to want more or different is a waste of time and energy...
that I must go to another well to be filled and satiated.
That was freeing to me...that my expectations can and should change...
no longer fantasizing that I will be appreciated for just being me...
not for the incredible good that I do for everyone around me...
but just for being me, imperfect, flawed, but amazingly gifted me.
It frees me from waiting for acceptance (51 years is long enough) and it frees her/them from having to try to live up to my expectations and consequently be pulled down by my disappointment.
When I was a baby who attended to my cries? Who rocked me, or sang to me? Who looked into my eyes to see the soul residing within that little body? Who gave me that gift?
Someone had to have given me some love and support because I have been much different with my own children...I am curious who that person was.
I am driving up for the gathering, and driving home when I have had enough family time. It will be exhausting but I believe that is the best way to maintain boundaries. It will be good to see you.
Love and Light,
Maggie
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